While On Life's Journey.....

AGING MOTHER

Dear MAx,
After a recent extended visit with my mother, she expressed a desire for me to move to where she lives. She is 78 years old. She continues to live in my childhood home with my semi-capable brother. Even though she lives in another state I make it a point to visit her as often as possible, clean the house, and spend time with her, my aunts, and my sisters. She has mentioned wanting to move into a nursing home. I offered to have her move to where I live, but she declined. I love where I live, and I love my life as it is. But, I feel guilty because I can sense she needs me. What do I do?

Gail

Dear Gail,
Sounds like you are a very good daughter. Also sounds like it is time for you and your mother to start talking about her aging options. She opened the door to the conversation by asking you to live there.

Your mom is 78 years old and still cares for one of your adult siblings. This tells me that she is probably still thinking clearly, but may be starting to run out of energy. She is inviting YOU to be with her on this part of her life journey.

Psychoanalyst, Erik Erickson, terms ages 55/65 to death as “Late Adulthood” or “Maturity”. He thought that at this stage people look at their “ego development outcome”: reviewing their life accomplishments, knowing how to deal with loss, and, preparing for death. Another words, they tap into their most basic strength at this stage: their wisdom.

I had the pleasure, stress, and anxiety of being on my mother’s final journey. We had eight years together prior to her transitioning two years ago. I am appreciative that I had both the natural and professional skills to know that this was our time to reflect together.

It began with me wanting answers about why she made the decisions she made regarding me; but it ended with her being able to reflect on her own life and find acceptance of her life, and who she was, before leaving.

On my mother’s final journey I finally learned to listen and be patient. She also modeled for me what it is like being in this “Maturity” stage of life. After all, we were in it together.

As your letter details, I am not alone in this experience. Because of all the medical advances, people live much longer than even fifteen to twenty years ago. Adult children find themselves in the position of helping their aging parents while in the midst of taking care of their own children, or pursuing their careers.

Adult children being squeezed between their own lives and the lives of aging parents, or other family members, are called the “Sandwich Generation”. The American Association for Retired People (AARP) reports that “22.4 million households already provide care to a family member over fifty.

Gail, welcome to the new role given baby boomers: taking care of aging parents! This is a role where overwhelming resentment, guilt, and anger exist for both the boomer and the aging parent. BUT, it is also a time of reflection for both you and your mother.

It is good that you are reaching out to find answers and make good decisions. Reaching out beyond this column would help to minimize the stress you have started to encounter. None of us are born with the tools needed to meet this new challenge.

Resources you might want to tap into to balance your mind, body, and spirit along your path:

-Counselors/therapists: will help you recognize and deal with the stressors, help strategize, and gear you toward resources.
-Physicians: this is where the “airline oxygen rule” applies—you put the oxygen on you first. Check-ins with your own physician will remind you to stay fit so you can take care of others.
-Pastoral: ministers, priests, rabbi’s, etc are all educated in helping guide you through this time based on your recognized religious/spiritual beliefs.

The perfect outcome to this challenge in your life is that, by approaching this stage of life healthy and lovingly, everyone feels the dignity and respect that is righteously theirs at the end of this part of the journey.

Congratulations, you are about to embark on one of the most profound parts of your personal journey. Be in awareness on your journey and may wisdom be at the end to greet you.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

POSH , SPICE, and K2

I recently went to a seminar to learn about the latest drug craze the “kids” are experiencing. Posh, Spice, and K2. These are various names for the same basic products: herbal mixtures laced with synthetic cannabnoids. What surprised me was how much information and research is NOT available.

So, I want to put it out to the internet world. What do you know about posh, spice, K2, and others various names? Please use the comment section of my blog to respond. OR, e-mail me at maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com
Be well on your information journey.

Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

DRUG TESTING: PRE EMPLOYMENT

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
My 29 year old son has been off work for almost two years. He is living with us until he finds another job. He did such an excellent job where he previously worked, but was let go because they said he had failed a random drug test. My son is quite honest and admits to drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. He strongly believes marijuana should be legal. He has applied for many positions and has even been offered one of the jobs, but failed the pre-employment drug test. How fair is this that he has the skills he needs, is a good worker, but can’t get a job because he uses marijuana?
Freta

Dear Freta,
This is a bad time in our society to be out of work and idealistic. It is perfectly legal for a company to ask for a pre-employment screening, and, once hired, require cooperation with random alcohol and drug testing.

Drug testing dates back to the 1980’s “war on drugs”. “Drug free” environments was one of the programs that was to combat drugs from “inside”. In 1986, President Ronald Reagan signed into law Executive Order 12564 mandating federal employees to “be drug free on and off the job”. This almost immediately spilled over into the private sector.

Of course, people were outraged that they could be good workers and be fired because of failing a random drug test, and, as it is in our country, law suits were filed based on Fourth and Fourteenth Amendment violations. In 1989, the US Supreme Court upheld the employer’s right to testing employees based on the National Treasury Employee’s Union v. von Rabb. This court has since also ruled that random testing of student athletes and other student participating in non-athletic extracurricular activities is also legal.

The policy of drug testing smoothly transitioned to pre-employment testing. Everyone that applies for a position signs a paper with a disclosure saying that if they are considered for a position, they agree to a pre-employment drug test. Once hire, the new employee also signs an agreement to abide by company and federal laws regarding drug use.

Drug testing also serves a couple practical purposes: reduces the number of qualified applicants in an overloaded job market; and, in some cases, reduces the cost of insurance for the company.

Freta, your son is going to have to make a clearer decision here: stop using marijuana in order to get, and keep, a job to support him and get on with his life. Or, use the time he is off work to campaign to legalize marijuana—which, will not stop either pre-employment or random workplace testing—but, he may feel more productive.

To your son I offer: be clean and sober on your employment journey.
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Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

GRIEF REACTION

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
My boss is driving me crazy! I work in a complex where a lot of retired people live. My boss not only controls us employees, she also tries to control the residents. Without any input she sets up schedules for them, tells them where to sit to eat, and makes rules up as she goes to suit what she needs. She wasn’t always like this. Her favorite adult child unexpectedly died about two years ago and she hasn’t been the same since then. Both employees and residents have noted this to her superiors, but nothing seems to be done to change the situation. Could this really be a grief reaction?
Lana

Dear Lana,
As adult human beings we understand that we will experience death as part of the human experience. In my grief and loss workshops I start by acknowledging everyone’s loss, adding: “The worse loss anyone can experience is the loss of their child.” Having experienced this myself, and having worked with people that are grieving the loss of a child, I know this to be true.

Commonly we look at five stages of grief attaching different emotions: denial (disbelief, numbness); bargaining (the “ifs”); anger (blaming others); sadness (crying, withdrawal); acceptance (no emotion—just knowing that the death is neither right not wrong, it just was).

People in grief will experience these stages one at a time, sometimes together, and go back and forth with what they feel. Someone can make it to acceptance, be triggered by something (a birthday or anniversary), and start the process all over.

There is no time limit for grieving. Most people need at least a year to come to terms that their loved one isn’t there to share everyday news, celebrate holidays, or just hang out together. The second year can be a sneaker year because you think you went through the worse. But, one morning you wake up and don’t know why you are sad throughout the day; then, you realize it was your loved one’s birthday. You may become sad remembering your loss, wished your loved one was there to celebrate, remember past celebrations, and move to acceptance that they are gone.

Sometimes, people get stuck in the process of grief. For instance, in your boss’ case: she could be stuck in a form of bargaining/denial where she believes she had no control over her when her child died, so she tries to tightly control her own environment and the people in it.

Being stuck in sadness leads to depression which can lead to major depression and other physical illnesses. Grief is paralyzing. It is important for someone that is stuck in the depression of grief to seek professional help from a qualified mental health worker or clergy.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The trick may be to find healthy ways to deal with the devastating pain that accompanies the loss. The gain of getting through the pain is eventually becoming a stronger, wiser human being.

Grief is all part of our experience as spiritual beings have a human experience.
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Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

ADDICT THINKING

MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
My husband has been clean and sober for over five years. He recently did something very strange: he stole money from our daughter’s bank, then denied it when I asked him about it. I found the money (mostly change) in a plastic bag in his truck. We have money in our joint account if he really needed it. It doesn’t appear he is drinking again. Is he going to relapse?
Tina

Dear Tina,

Assuming that your husband is not presently prone to stealing, your husband could be experiencing what is sometimes referred to as a “dry drunk”.
A “dry drunk” means that one of two things could be going on with him: he is abstaining, but has not done any work on changing his thinking; or, he has been abstaining, but is on his way to relapse.

Just because someone is abstaining from alcohol and/or drugs doesn’t mean they are in total recovery. During the course of using an active addict steps into the culture of addiction, which means learning a new way of thinking. The addict develops thinking errors that protect their drinking/drug use, and, allows them to justify going against their own value system. These thinking errors are a form of denial, as the addiction progresses so does their denial, affecting their judgments.

Thinking errors don’t just disappear with abstinence. In order to change thinking errors someone needs to become aware of the error, than, make an assertive and conscious commitment to change the way they think and behave.

Some thinking errors are obvious; like, your husband stealing money. Other thinking errors are subtle: minimizing, being vague, anger, drama, intellectualizing, image, grandiosity—listen and watch closely.

One of the thinking errors love ones have is that once someone is in “sobriety”, they relax and stop listening. Remember when you didn’t believe a thing your husband said because you knew he was an active addict? If you listen carefully, even while he is doing his best , you can still pick up remnants of blaming, lying, and making excuses—IF, you listen closely without your own blinders on.

The other thing that can be going on is that he is on his way to relapse. Relapse doesn’t just happen. Relapse is a long slow process. It begins with old thoughts, connecting to old behaviors, and leading to using again.

Tina, this isn’t the time to be walking on eggshells. If you notice a change in your husband’s attitudes, feelings, and/or behaviors, call him on it. These are the changes that very gradually lead to the final step of relapse—picking up a drink or using a drug.

This is the time for good communication.

On this part of your husband’s journey, you may have to step up and be his guide. May you both be well on your journeys.
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Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.