Archives for: May 2010
05/23/10
LEGAL DRINKING AGE
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I recently took my little brother out to celebrate him joining the military. He is 19 and I am so proud that he made this choice. That said, I am confused that by the end of that evening he ended up with a ticket for minor in possession of alcohol, and I ended up with a charge of providing alcohol to a minor! How can this be that my brother can risk his life for our country and defending our rights, but he can’t drink?
Brad
Dear Brad,
Thanks for asking the drinking age question for your brother’s generation. I think every generation since the 1930s has been asking the same question: “why can someone die for their country, but can’t have a beer?”
As I reviewed historical documents for legal drinking age prior to the 1960’s, information seemed to be a little fuzzy. A quick summary of the information I reviewed seemed to seriously address the legal age of drinking during prohibition, the eighteenth and twenty-first amendments, and traffic data related to alcohol related accidents. In 1984 President Reagan signed a bill establishing 21 years old as a nationwide legal drinking age.
It was the documentation leading up to the 60’s that the answer to the question only got louder and more complicated. Of course, we need to remember that the 1960’s started an era of people speaking out, not going along with the “norm”, and not only asking “why”, but “why not”, way more then previous generations. Back then your question came up in regards to the Viet Nam Conflict: If a man (or woman) can die for his country at 18, why can’t he have an alcoholic drink?
This question, in fact, comes up whenever there is a war or conflict going on in the world. And, there is always something going on somewhere in the world where Americans are called upon to risk their lives.
The reality is that American adulthood starts at the age of 18 because: (1) everyone gets the right to vote; (2) everyone is eligible for jury duty; and, (3) young men need to register for the Selective Service. So, people, at 18 years of age are trusted to participate in the electorial process, judge due process, and go to war.
Here is your question, again, Brad: Why can’t my 19 year old brother who is volunteering to serve his country have alcohol?
Let’s address the other reason sited in my research for keeping 21 as the legal drinking age: traffic data related to alcohol related accidents:
The most recent US data confirms that 12/8% of fatal traffic accidents were alcohol-related. And, 40% of those fatal accidents involved teens driving while under the influence of alcohol.
Statistics also show that one out of ten teens between the ages of 12 and 13 drink alcohol at least once per month. They are still drinking (probably more) when they get their drivers license at 16.
In Europe, where the drinking age is lower, and the age to get a license is higher, the incident rate of alcohol-related fatal accidents are not as great a problem.
Recent brain research has provided better understanding of an adolescence brain functioning. This research supports the idea that a 16 year old’s cognitive abilities might not support the functions needed to safely operate a motor vehicle. Add alcohol, a fast car, and a loud radio, and you have a recipe for disaster.
This may lead you to contemplate what the problem really is: drinking at an early age, or driving at an early age? Maybe we need to consider having better information about the use of alcohol available earlier, and raise the age and requirements for having a drivers license?
There is good news, and, a possible solution: as a US citizen everyone 18 years and older is empowered to change things with the right to vote. Perhaps, instead of asking “why” the age is 18, ask “why not” change the age to 21? Use YOUR right to vote.
Finally, Brad, I want to thank you for supporting your brother’s decision to volunteer to be in the military. Because of men and women like him, we are empowered to vote, and, I get to exercise my right to express myself through a free press.
Both you and your brother be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I recently took my little brother out to celebrate him joining the military. He is 19 and I am so proud that he made this choice. That said, I am confused that by the end of that evening he ended up with a ticket for minor in possession of alcohol, and I ended up with a charge of providing alcohol to a minor! How can this be that my brother can risk his life for our country and defending our rights, but he can’t drink?
Brad
Dear Brad,
Thanks for asking the drinking age question for your brother’s generation. I think every generation since the 1930s has been asking the same question: “why can someone die for their country, but can’t have a beer?”
As I reviewed historical documents for legal drinking age prior to the 1960’s, information seemed to be a little fuzzy. A quick summary of the information I reviewed seemed to seriously address the legal age of drinking during prohibition, the eighteenth and twenty-first amendments, and traffic data related to alcohol related accidents. In 1984 President Reagan signed a bill establishing 21 years old as a nationwide legal drinking age.
It was the documentation leading up to the 60’s that the answer to the question only got louder and more complicated. Of course, we need to remember that the 1960’s started an era of people speaking out, not going along with the “norm”, and not only asking “why”, but “why not”, way more then previous generations. Back then your question came up in regards to the Viet Nam Conflict: If a man (or woman) can die for his country at 18, why can’t he have an alcoholic drink?
This question, in fact, comes up whenever there is a war or conflict going on in the world. And, there is always something going on somewhere in the world where Americans are called upon to risk their lives.
The reality is that American adulthood starts at the age of 18 because: (1) everyone gets the right to vote; (2) everyone is eligible for jury duty; and, (3) young men need to register for the Selective Service. So, people, at 18 years of age are trusted to participate in the electorial process, judge due process, and go to war.
Here is your question, again, Brad: Why can’t my 19 year old brother who is volunteering to serve his country have alcohol?
Let’s address the other reason sited in my research for keeping 21 as the legal drinking age: traffic data related to alcohol related accidents:
The most recent US data confirms that 12/8% of fatal traffic accidents were alcohol-related. And, 40% of those fatal accidents involved teens driving while under the influence of alcohol.
Statistics also show that one out of ten teens between the ages of 12 and 13 drink alcohol at least once per month. They are still drinking (probably more) when they get their drivers license at 16.
In Europe, where the drinking age is lower, and the age to get a license is higher, the incident rate of alcohol-related fatal accidents are not as great a problem.
Recent brain research has provided better understanding of an adolescence brain functioning. This research supports the idea that a 16 year old’s cognitive abilities might not support the functions needed to safely operate a motor vehicle. Add alcohol, a fast car, and a loud radio, and you have a recipe for disaster.
This may lead you to contemplate what the problem really is: drinking at an early age, or driving at an early age? Maybe we need to consider having better information about the use of alcohol available earlier, and raise the age and requirements for having a drivers license?
There is good news, and, a possible solution: as a US citizen everyone 18 years and older is empowered to change things with the right to vote. Perhaps, instead of asking “why” the age is 18, ask “why not” change the age to 21? Use YOUR right to vote.
Finally, Brad, I want to thank you for supporting your brother’s decision to volunteer to be in the military. Because of men and women like him, we are empowered to vote, and, I get to exercise my right to express myself through a free press.
Both you and your brother be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
05/12/10
TWO BEERS: FINALLY GOT IT!
One of my clients that struggles with giving up alcohol shared with me an interesting experiment she did. She gave me permission to share it as a blog:
She loves playing her Wi games. “And I’m very good at it.” She said one evening she drank two beers then played one of the games that she could always beat everyone on. She said she was blown away with how badly she had sucked at it. It finally hit her how “just two beers” throws her reflexes totally off.
Interesting experiment. How does two beers effect your reflexes?
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at:
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
I am the founder and proud member of ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION:
One of my clients that struggles with giving up alcohol shared with me an interesting experiment she did. She gave me permission to share it as a blog:
She loves playing her Wi games. “And I’m very good at it.” She said one evening she drank two beers then played one of the games that she could always beat everyone on. She said she was blown away with how badly she had sucked at it. It finally hit her how “just two beers” throws her reflexes totally off.
Interesting experiment. How does two beers effect your reflexes?
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at:
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
I am the founder and proud member of ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION:
05/07/10
ADDICTION: DUAL DIAGNOSIS
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
My husband says that he has been clean and sober for two years from cocaine and alcohol. We are in the process of dissolving our marriage of six years. Our counselor mentioned that perhaps he has a narcissistic personality disorder in addition to the addiction. He mentioned this past weekend that he is struggling to stay sober. He is nice one moment and threatening in the next moment. He always apologizes, though. It is very emotionally draining for me and I feel like some people, especially my parents, find that it is hard to believe that a personality disorder really exists. Do you have any insight of dual diagnosis?
Wendy
Dear Wendy,
This is an often-asked question, particularly from loved ones who have exhausted resources, lost patience, and are stuck themselves because their addict is struggling for a healthier lifestyle.
No one wants to see anyone struggle to maintain sanity and health. When it appears that everything suggested in the addiction field has failed, people start questioning whether it “really is the alcohol and/or drugs” that are causing their behaviors. Believe it or not, more often then not, a person struggling for recovery has something else wrong that is not being attended to.
We know that a problem exists when someone is using too much alcohol, legal or illegal drugs. The most obvious answer is to have them admitted into a substance abuse program either in-patient, outpatient, or individual addiction counselor.
Dual diagnosis, also referred to as “co-occurring disorders”, refers to clients that have both a substance abuse diagnosis and a mental health diagnosis. It would better be termed “multiple occurring disorders” because it is possible for some diagnosed with a substance abuse problem to have multiple mental health disorders.
It is estimated that up to 64% of drug abusers currently in treatment meet the criteria for a dual/co-occurring mental disorder.
One of the problems with acknowledging dual diagnosis disorders is that mental health counselors are more experienced and knowledgeable with treating psychiatric problems, while substance abuse counselor’s focus on treating alcohol and drug problems.
Some mental health professionals tend to treat substance abuse disorders less sympathetically then mental health disorders. I have had clients that I referred to psychiatric emergency turned away as soon as the staff became aware that the client was under the influence.
On the other hand, many substance abuse counselors, particularly the “old school” counselors, are skeptics about the impact of mental health disorders. Once, when I brought a possible traumatic brain injury diagnosis to a supervisor, I was told, “MAx, all addicts have brain injuries.” “Old school” thinking given what we know about the brain.
Many addicts can have a dual diagnosis. The problem is that if they are actively using, or in early recovery, it is difficult to separate what is addictive behavior and/or detox of the substance.
For instance, the narcissistic personality disorder that you mentioned is also a characteristic of addiction. An active addict believes that life is all about them. Even though your husband has purported to be clean and sober for two years, has he worked to identify and change his addictive behaviors?
Unfortunately, many addicts get a dual diagnosis "label" either during active use, or in early stages of recovery. Unless there is strong evidence of a diagnosis prior to active addiction, I prefer that my clients not get tested until 1-2 year’s recovery actually begins. Active addiction and detox can look like ADD, ADHD, bi-polar, narcissism, major depression, anorexia, and most antipersonality social disorders.
It is important that substance abuse counselors work with mental health professionals and primary care physicians to appropriately assess, diagnose, and set-up a treatment plan that addresses ALL problem areas. An integrated services approach for addiction treatment is needed to insure the best care for individuals.
Wendy, I hope I adequately explained “dual diagnosis” to you. Based on you expressing that what is happening in your relationship is “emotionally draining”, I would urge you to focus on your own health and well being. Attend an Alanon meeting, continue individual counseling, take some time away from the situation.
The “tool” I give to my own clients in your situation is the “airline oxygen rule”: when you are in a plane, sitting next to your loved one, and the oxygen comes down, who do you put it on first? YOURSELF! You won’t be able to help anyone else if you pass out.
Put the oxygen on yourself and be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
My husband says that he has been clean and sober for two years from cocaine and alcohol. We are in the process of dissolving our marriage of six years. Our counselor mentioned that perhaps he has a narcissistic personality disorder in addition to the addiction. He mentioned this past weekend that he is struggling to stay sober. He is nice one moment and threatening in the next moment. He always apologizes, though. It is very emotionally draining for me and I feel like some people, especially my parents, find that it is hard to believe that a personality disorder really exists. Do you have any insight of dual diagnosis?
Wendy
Dear Wendy,
This is an often-asked question, particularly from loved ones who have exhausted resources, lost patience, and are stuck themselves because their addict is struggling for a healthier lifestyle.
No one wants to see anyone struggle to maintain sanity and health. When it appears that everything suggested in the addiction field has failed, people start questioning whether it “really is the alcohol and/or drugs” that are causing their behaviors. Believe it or not, more often then not, a person struggling for recovery has something else wrong that is not being attended to.
We know that a problem exists when someone is using too much alcohol, legal or illegal drugs. The most obvious answer is to have them admitted into a substance abuse program either in-patient, outpatient, or individual addiction counselor.
Dual diagnosis, also referred to as “co-occurring disorders”, refers to clients that have both a substance abuse diagnosis and a mental health diagnosis. It would better be termed “multiple occurring disorders” because it is possible for some diagnosed with a substance abuse problem to have multiple mental health disorders.
It is estimated that up to 64% of drug abusers currently in treatment meet the criteria for a dual/co-occurring mental disorder.
One of the problems with acknowledging dual diagnosis disorders is that mental health counselors are more experienced and knowledgeable with treating psychiatric problems, while substance abuse counselor’s focus on treating alcohol and drug problems.
Some mental health professionals tend to treat substance abuse disorders less sympathetically then mental health disorders. I have had clients that I referred to psychiatric emergency turned away as soon as the staff became aware that the client was under the influence.
On the other hand, many substance abuse counselors, particularly the “old school” counselors, are skeptics about the impact of mental health disorders. Once, when I brought a possible traumatic brain injury diagnosis to a supervisor, I was told, “MAx, all addicts have brain injuries.” “Old school” thinking given what we know about the brain.
Many addicts can have a dual diagnosis. The problem is that if they are actively using, or in early recovery, it is difficult to separate what is addictive behavior and/or detox of the substance.
For instance, the narcissistic personality disorder that you mentioned is also a characteristic of addiction. An active addict believes that life is all about them. Even though your husband has purported to be clean and sober for two years, has he worked to identify and change his addictive behaviors?
Unfortunately, many addicts get a dual diagnosis "label" either during active use, or in early stages of recovery. Unless there is strong evidence of a diagnosis prior to active addiction, I prefer that my clients not get tested until 1-2 year’s recovery actually begins. Active addiction and detox can look like ADD, ADHD, bi-polar, narcissism, major depression, anorexia, and most antipersonality social disorders.
It is important that substance abuse counselors work with mental health professionals and primary care physicians to appropriately assess, diagnose, and set-up a treatment plan that addresses ALL problem areas. An integrated services approach for addiction treatment is needed to insure the best care for individuals.
Wendy, I hope I adequately explained “dual diagnosis” to you. Based on you expressing that what is happening in your relationship is “emotionally draining”, I would urge you to focus on your own health and well being. Attend an Alanon meeting, continue individual counseling, take some time away from the situation.
The “tool” I give to my own clients in your situation is the “airline oxygen rule”: when you are in a plane, sitting next to your loved one, and the oxygen comes down, who do you put it on first? YOURSELF! You won’t be able to help anyone else if you pass out.
Put the oxygen on yourself and be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
05/05/10
MIGRAINES, BIOFEEDBACK & CHOCOLATE
Many people in early recovery suffer from "migraine" headaches. We are learning more and more about how important NUTRITION is during recovery to rebalance the body. I just came across this article on ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION that offers some good information and strategies to holistically address migraines:
“More than 29.5 million Americans suffer from Migraines. Biofeedback is a natural therapy approved by many health insurers for the relief and management of Migraine Pain. It is important to work with an experienced Biofeedback Specialist who can coach you with managing your stress triggers. Biofeedback is a way to retrain your body’s pain response as you go through a series of sessions to help you manage pain to prevent a full blown migraine or any migraine like pain. Biofeedback helps by retraining the body’s physical reaction to the stress of pain in a variety of ways and is individualized according to your unique stress triggers. The stress triggers that can bring on a tendency for migraine pain can come from physical injuries, hormonal imbalances, emotional reactions to unresolved issues and even hidden food allergies or something as simple as dehydration or exposure to certain chemicals………………….Chocolate……can cause blood vessels to expand/contract, sometimes suddenly, which can trigger head pain.”
This article was submitted by ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION MEMBER: SUSAN TYLER, Stress Detective. SUSAN TYLER is a certified Biofeedback Diplomate Instructor specializing in natural wellness, pain and stress management, nutritional consulting and lifestyle coaching. SUSAN TYLER is a member in good standing with ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION.
Learn more about SUSAN TYLER at:
http://www.stressdetecticve.net.
Read the complete article FREE at
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com “Article Directory”
LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING is also a member in good standing with ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com "Professional Directory"
Many people in early recovery suffer from "migraine" headaches. We are learning more and more about how important NUTRITION is during recovery to rebalance the body. I just came across this article on ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION that offers some good information and strategies to holistically address migraines:
“More than 29.5 million Americans suffer from Migraines. Biofeedback is a natural therapy approved by many health insurers for the relief and management of Migraine Pain. It is important to work with an experienced Biofeedback Specialist who can coach you with managing your stress triggers. Biofeedback is a way to retrain your body’s pain response as you go through a series of sessions to help you manage pain to prevent a full blown migraine or any migraine like pain. Biofeedback helps by retraining the body’s physical reaction to the stress of pain in a variety of ways and is individualized according to your unique stress triggers. The stress triggers that can bring on a tendency for migraine pain can come from physical injuries, hormonal imbalances, emotional reactions to unresolved issues and even hidden food allergies or something as simple as dehydration or exposure to certain chemicals………………….Chocolate……can cause blood vessels to expand/contract, sometimes suddenly, which can trigger head pain.”
This article was submitted by ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION MEMBER: SUSAN TYLER, Stress Detective. SUSAN TYLER is a certified Biofeedback Diplomate Instructor specializing in natural wellness, pain and stress management, nutritional consulting and lifestyle coaching. SUSAN TYLER is a member in good standing with ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION.
Learn more about SUSAN TYLER at:
http://www.stressdetecticve.net.
Read the complete article FREE at
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com “Article Directory”
LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING is also a member in good standing with ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com "Professional Directory"
05/03/10
COMPULSIVE LIAR
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Hi, Max.
My brother is a compulsive liar. In the past few weeks his whole house of cards has collapsed. His marriage of fifteen years is over due to these lies, and his family is unsure how to deal with him. I lined up an appointment with a psychologist for an assessment and told him his friends and family were now going to confirm stories. He went to the first appointment and then he left town. For all the tears and "remorse", the lies continue. He has told outrageous defamatory lies about family members and even stole from them. He left his wife with a home about to go into foreclosure and the realization that most of what she believed to be true about him was a lie. We have let this "prodigal son" return home several times now but he just keeps at it. What kind of relationship should we have with him, if any? How much is too much and should we just cut this limb from the family tree? In spite of all of this, we want to cling to the memory of who my brother was as a child- sweet, kind, generous, hard working. Thank you in advance.
Hurting Sister
Dear Hurting Sister,
Plato wrote: “False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.” It sounds like your brother has infected his own soul. I am sorry for your loss of that brother that was “sweet, kind, generous, hard working”. Now, it seems, you are left with a man that lies just because he can—or, is it that simple?
Lying is actually a normal stage of development. Just about every child lies at one time or another as they are learning to fit in as human beings. While this behavior is upsetting at any age, good parenting teaches the child that lying is not an acceptable norm. We have all heard the story of Pinocchio and the consequences of telling lies—I, for one, never wanted my nose to grow and grow. Good lesson through a good story.
The topic of lying is not simple: lying can be a mental illness, a habit, or a brain condition. The common string is that most lying is a carry over from early childhood development. A liar can be either pathological or compulsive.
Pathological liars usually lie incessantly with little to no concern or respect for others. Their lying is usually focused to get what they want when they want it. This type of lying may have originated in early childhood as a coping mechanism. It is often associated with other types of mental disorders. Pathological behavior is usually manipulative, cunning, and self-centered.
Compulsive lying, or “mythomania”, is a different type of lying disorder that affects many Americans every year. Compulsive liars lie out of habit. This is a normal way of responding whenever they communicate. To compulsive liars the truth can be awkward and uncomfortable-lying just feels right. Again, this behavior is believed to originated in early childhood, but in an environment that was not safe and where lying was necessary for self-preservation. The difference between a pathological and compulsive liar is that the latter is not necessarily manipulative and cunning—they have been self-conditioned to automatically lie.
Can you identify from these two brief descriptions which one your brother really is? In a way it doesn’t matter, because dealing with either type of liar is difficult and hurtful.
Here are a few signs to help you recognize a compulsive liar:
1. FREQUENCY: regular and ongoing
2. EASE OF LYING: looks and feels comfortable
3. TYPES OF THINGS LYING ABOUT: anything, everything, big or small
4. MOTIVATION: innate habit
5. PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS: poor self-esteem, attention seeking
6. CONSISTENCY: difficult keeping stories straight
Like any behavior that is used as an escape lying becomes addiction. Compulsive liars feed their addiction of lying by telling more lies. And, like any addiction, this may be a symptom to a much larger problem, such as a personality disorder.
You did exactly the right thing by seeking a professional diagnosis. Unfortunately, your brother needs to admit that he has a problem in order to accept help. You can, set a boundary, speaking your truth from your heart, that unless he seeks therapy you cannot be around him. Then be patient, remember it took your brother a long time to develop this habit, it will take him a while to realize that the truth will set him free.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Hi, Max.
My brother is a compulsive liar. In the past few weeks his whole house of cards has collapsed. His marriage of fifteen years is over due to these lies, and his family is unsure how to deal with him. I lined up an appointment with a psychologist for an assessment and told him his friends and family were now going to confirm stories. He went to the first appointment and then he left town. For all the tears and "remorse", the lies continue. He has told outrageous defamatory lies about family members and even stole from them. He left his wife with a home about to go into foreclosure and the realization that most of what she believed to be true about him was a lie. We have let this "prodigal son" return home several times now but he just keeps at it. What kind of relationship should we have with him, if any? How much is too much and should we just cut this limb from the family tree? In spite of all of this, we want to cling to the memory of who my brother was as a child- sweet, kind, generous, hard working. Thank you in advance.
Hurting Sister
Dear Hurting Sister,
Plato wrote: “False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.” It sounds like your brother has infected his own soul. I am sorry for your loss of that brother that was “sweet, kind, generous, hard working”. Now, it seems, you are left with a man that lies just because he can—or, is it that simple?
Lying is actually a normal stage of development. Just about every child lies at one time or another as they are learning to fit in as human beings. While this behavior is upsetting at any age, good parenting teaches the child that lying is not an acceptable norm. We have all heard the story of Pinocchio and the consequences of telling lies—I, for one, never wanted my nose to grow and grow. Good lesson through a good story.
The topic of lying is not simple: lying can be a mental illness, a habit, or a brain condition. The common string is that most lying is a carry over from early childhood development. A liar can be either pathological or compulsive.
Pathological liars usually lie incessantly with little to no concern or respect for others. Their lying is usually focused to get what they want when they want it. This type of lying may have originated in early childhood as a coping mechanism. It is often associated with other types of mental disorders. Pathological behavior is usually manipulative, cunning, and self-centered.
Compulsive lying, or “mythomania”, is a different type of lying disorder that affects many Americans every year. Compulsive liars lie out of habit. This is a normal way of responding whenever they communicate. To compulsive liars the truth can be awkward and uncomfortable-lying just feels right. Again, this behavior is believed to originated in early childhood, but in an environment that was not safe and where lying was necessary for self-preservation. The difference between a pathological and compulsive liar is that the latter is not necessarily manipulative and cunning—they have been self-conditioned to automatically lie.
Can you identify from these two brief descriptions which one your brother really is? In a way it doesn’t matter, because dealing with either type of liar is difficult and hurtful.
Here are a few signs to help you recognize a compulsive liar:
1. FREQUENCY: regular and ongoing
2. EASE OF LYING: looks and feels comfortable
3. TYPES OF THINGS LYING ABOUT: anything, everything, big or small
4. MOTIVATION: innate habit
5. PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS: poor self-esteem, attention seeking
6. CONSISTENCY: difficult keeping stories straight
Like any behavior that is used as an escape lying becomes addiction. Compulsive liars feed their addiction of lying by telling more lies. And, like any addiction, this may be a symptom to a much larger problem, such as a personality disorder.
You did exactly the right thing by seeking a professional diagnosis. Unfortunately, your brother needs to admit that he has a problem in order to accept help. You can, set a boundary, speaking your truth from your heart, that unless he seeks therapy you cannot be around him. Then be patient, remember it took your brother a long time to develop this habit, it will take him a while to realize that the truth will set him free.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.