Archives for: April 2010
04/30/10
ADDICTION: CHRISTIAN REHAB
Most people think that all addiction treatment programs are Christian because the most traditional programs, which are 12-Step based, mention “God” during the program. Both of these ideas are wrong.
Twelve-step programs are NOT designed to turn all recovering people into “Christians”. The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W and Dr. Bob, may have based their 12 Steps and 12 Traditions on what they knew which may have included a Christian background. However, they very clearly say in the second and eleventh step that it is a “Higher Power” and that Higher Power is “God as we understood Him”. When early recovery people resist AA because “it’s a Christian program”; they probably haven’t totally committed to their recovery. The Twelve Step Program offers the support early recovery people need, and, suggest “sponsors” (people who have already “worked the program”) to guide them through the process.
Christian based treatment programs are similar to most other treatment centers except that the approach is from a religious preference. The focus on treatment is the philosophy, tradition, and Christian teachings of a specific religious belief. Usually a Christian will choose Christian treatment because the program is focused on Jesus Christ as the “higher power”. Christian treatment programs also focus on rebuilding the Spirit dimension of the person by reinforcing the teachings of their Church by including Bible study, church attendance, and daily prayer.
Christian based programs offer everything other treatment centers offer including individual, family, group, dual diagnosis, relapse prevention, and after care follow up.
More and more Christian based programs and individual counselors are available. Check your local resources for Christian recovery services available in your community.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
Most people think that all addiction treatment programs are Christian because the most traditional programs, which are 12-Step based, mention “God” during the program. Both of these ideas are wrong.
Twelve-step programs are NOT designed to turn all recovering people into “Christians”. The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W and Dr. Bob, may have based their 12 Steps and 12 Traditions on what they knew which may have included a Christian background. However, they very clearly say in the second and eleventh step that it is a “Higher Power” and that Higher Power is “God as we understood Him”. When early recovery people resist AA because “it’s a Christian program”; they probably haven’t totally committed to their recovery. The Twelve Step Program offers the support early recovery people need, and, suggest “sponsors” (people who have already “worked the program”) to guide them through the process.
Christian based treatment programs are similar to most other treatment centers except that the approach is from a religious preference. The focus on treatment is the philosophy, tradition, and Christian teachings of a specific religious belief. Usually a Christian will choose Christian treatment because the program is focused on Jesus Christ as the “higher power”. Christian treatment programs also focus on rebuilding the Spirit dimension of the person by reinforcing the teachings of their Church by including Bible study, church attendance, and daily prayer.
Christian based programs offer everything other treatment centers offer including individual, family, group, dual diagnosis, relapse prevention, and after care follow up.
More and more Christian based programs and individual counselors are available. Check your local resources for Christian recovery services available in your community.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
04/26/10
ADDICTION: NUTRITION "THE DIET CURE"
I have written a lot about the importance of nutrition in recovery—particularly detox and early recovery. As I was sorting through bookshelves of my books I ran across a book that helped me formulate my thinking around nutrition in recovery. The name of that book is “The Diet Cure” by Julia Ross. Julia Ross is a Nutritional Psychologist; she has an M.A. in Clinical Psychology. In the 1980’s she started specializing in treatment of eating disorders and addictions. She pioneered a very successful treatment approach for addiction that combined nutritional therapy and holistic medicine with education and talk therapy. Julia continues to be Executive Director of The Recovery Systems Clinic in Mill Valley, California that she founded in 1988. “Did you know that sugar can be four times as addictive as cocaine?” Let Julia Ross tell you more—view this youtube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEJRXZ0nMvM
“The Diet Cure” is well worth reading.
Interested in a holistic treatment that includes a focus on nutrition? Learn about me, MAx Fabry, and the Healthy Healing Program at
I have written a lot about the importance of nutrition in recovery—particularly detox and early recovery. As I was sorting through bookshelves of my books I ran across a book that helped me formulate my thinking around nutrition in recovery. The name of that book is “The Diet Cure” by Julia Ross. Julia Ross is a Nutritional Psychologist; she has an M.A. in Clinical Psychology. In the 1980’s she started specializing in treatment of eating disorders and addictions. She pioneered a very successful treatment approach for addiction that combined nutritional therapy and holistic medicine with education and talk therapy. Julia continues to be Executive Director of The Recovery Systems Clinic in Mill Valley, California that she founded in 1988. “Did you know that sugar can be four times as addictive as cocaine?” Let Julia Ross tell you more—view this youtube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEJRXZ0nMvM
“The Diet Cure” is well worth reading.
Interested in a holistic treatment that includes a focus on nutrition? Learn about me, MAx Fabry, and the Healthy Healing Program at
04/23/10
MILITARY FAMILIES: LIFE AFTER WAR
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
My husband has been serving in the Army in Afghanistan and is on his way home. We married right before he was deployed. We were high school sweethearts and we made plans to go to the same college. I started college, he went to war. Reading his letters I get the impression that the man I sent off to war is no longer the same person. Next week he will be home, I just don’t know what to expect, what to say to support him, or where to access support. Can you tell me about life after war for him?
Diana
Dear Diana,
I detect a bit of wisdom beyond your age to have the ability to realize that there will be a change. Throughout the ages young wives have sent their Prince Charmings off to war never to have them return either physically or emotionally. Societies grow up during war time.
I don’t know about life after war for your husband, because every one is going to experience this part of their life’s journey differently. It is important to remember that each person returning is an individual and will, in some way, be profoundly changed.
Our accelerated military presence in that part of the world has been ongoing since October 7, 2001, when Operation Enduring Freedom was launched in Afghanistan in response to the 9-11 World Trade Center attacks. On March 20, 2003, the military campaign, known as Operation Iraqi Freedom, expanded our regional presence beginning with the invasion of Iraq. As the US is beginning to pull its troops out of Iraq, troop presence in Afghanistan is once again increasing against the counterinsurgency of Al-Qaeda and its Taliban supporters. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are now the longest US combat operations since Vietnam.
According to the “Veterans At Risk” statistics, “Since 2001, more than 11,000 Oregon Troops have been sent to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF), and Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF). In May 2009, an additional 2,700 Oregon national Guard members and Reservists were deployed to Iraq, some for the second, third, or fourth time.” Multiple deployments causes excessive stress among veterans and their families.
The effects of returning veterans can include: risk of family conflict, marital crises, violence, sexual assault, substance abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), employment crises, mortgage crises, homelessness, and a wide array of other medical and psychological conditions.
A few other statistics:
-Divorce rates are 2-3 times the norm for military families
-35% of veterans report mental health issues
-50% of those veterans meet the criteria for PTSD
-7,000+ Oregon veterans are homeless, many of these are single mothers with children
Defending our country comes at a great cost. It is important for communities to recognize the service of the military personnel as well as the sacrifices of their family members. It is important to remember that every individual in the military family counts: the soldier, the spouse, the children, and the extended family members.
Spouses and partners need to be prepared for change by learning and accepting new skills or tools for coping with the transition.
-Be a good listener
-Know what resources are available in your community
-Reach out for help
Finally, one of the problems that is being faced as the military returns is our national weakened economy. Each town that military personnel are returning need to come together to evaluate the resources and services they are able to support. More importantly, professional practitioners in the community need to step up to participate in interactive community-wide integrated services.
The Returning Veterans Project gives professionals provide training and an opportunity to participate. This is a “non-profit organization comprised of politically unaffiliated and independent health care practitioners who offer FREE and confidential services to veterans and their families of past and current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns.” Professionals affiliated with this project believe that it is their collective responsibility to offer support and healing to the returning military and their families.
Families and professionals can learn more about the Returning Veterans Project at www.returningveterans.org. If you would like a handout titled: “Returning from the War Zone: A Guide for Families of Military Members”, send your request to me via the e-mail address below.
Diana, I hope this has helped you as far as having an overall expectation of your husband’s return. As a young Vietnam wife whose Prince Charming never psychological returned, my final suggestion: NO SECRETS--TALK to people--utilize the professionals mentioned above and others in your community familiar with the aftermath of wars.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
My husband has been serving in the Army in Afghanistan and is on his way home. We married right before he was deployed. We were high school sweethearts and we made plans to go to the same college. I started college, he went to war. Reading his letters I get the impression that the man I sent off to war is no longer the same person. Next week he will be home, I just don’t know what to expect, what to say to support him, or where to access support. Can you tell me about life after war for him?
Diana
Dear Diana,
I detect a bit of wisdom beyond your age to have the ability to realize that there will be a change. Throughout the ages young wives have sent their Prince Charmings off to war never to have them return either physically or emotionally. Societies grow up during war time.
I don’t know about life after war for your husband, because every one is going to experience this part of their life’s journey differently. It is important to remember that each person returning is an individual and will, in some way, be profoundly changed.
Our accelerated military presence in that part of the world has been ongoing since October 7, 2001, when Operation Enduring Freedom was launched in Afghanistan in response to the 9-11 World Trade Center attacks. On March 20, 2003, the military campaign, known as Operation Iraqi Freedom, expanded our regional presence beginning with the invasion of Iraq. As the US is beginning to pull its troops out of Iraq, troop presence in Afghanistan is once again increasing against the counterinsurgency of Al-Qaeda and its Taliban supporters. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are now the longest US combat operations since Vietnam.
According to the “Veterans At Risk” statistics, “Since 2001, more than 11,000 Oregon Troops have been sent to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF), and Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF). In May 2009, an additional 2,700 Oregon national Guard members and Reservists were deployed to Iraq, some for the second, third, or fourth time.” Multiple deployments causes excessive stress among veterans and their families.
The effects of returning veterans can include: risk of family conflict, marital crises, violence, sexual assault, substance abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), employment crises, mortgage crises, homelessness, and a wide array of other medical and psychological conditions.
A few other statistics:
-Divorce rates are 2-3 times the norm for military families
-35% of veterans report mental health issues
-50% of those veterans meet the criteria for PTSD
-7,000+ Oregon veterans are homeless, many of these are single mothers with children
Defending our country comes at a great cost. It is important for communities to recognize the service of the military personnel as well as the sacrifices of their family members. It is important to remember that every individual in the military family counts: the soldier, the spouse, the children, and the extended family members.
Spouses and partners need to be prepared for change by learning and accepting new skills or tools for coping with the transition.
-Be a good listener
-Know what resources are available in your community
-Reach out for help
Finally, one of the problems that is being faced as the military returns is our national weakened economy. Each town that military personnel are returning need to come together to evaluate the resources and services they are able to support. More importantly, professional practitioners in the community need to step up to participate in interactive community-wide integrated services.
The Returning Veterans Project gives professionals provide training and an opportunity to participate. This is a “non-profit organization comprised of politically unaffiliated and independent health care practitioners who offer FREE and confidential services to veterans and their families of past and current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns.” Professionals affiliated with this project believe that it is their collective responsibility to offer support and healing to the returning military and their families.
Families and professionals can learn more about the Returning Veterans Project at www.returningveterans.org. If you would like a handout titled: “Returning from the War Zone: A Guide for Families of Military Members”, send your request to me via the e-mail address below.
Diana, I hope this has helped you as far as having an overall expectation of your husband’s return. As a young Vietnam wife whose Prince Charming never psychological returned, my final suggestion: NO SECRETS--TALK to people--utilize the professionals mentioned above and others in your community familiar with the aftermath of wars.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
04/19/10
LIFE COACH
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
My daughter is 37 years old. She has always been independent and successful. She always seemed to know what she wanted and went after it. On a recent visit she mentioned to me that she has a life coach. Why would someone like her need someone to tell her how to live her life? After all, she seems to have a done fine job on her own up to now?
Confused Mom
Dear Confused Mom,
Based on what you said about her independence and success so far, you must have been a good guide for her while she was growing up. You taught her well. I can see how it would confuse you that, all of a sudden, your daughter needs someone other then you to guide her through this part of your life.
We live in a fast paced unpredictable society. There is always change going on in business, technology, health—just about every aspect of our lives. It is virtually impossible to keep up with everything that is evolving.
For instance, fresh out of high school we get involved in getting a college education in a major that will be sure to give us a successful career based on the employment outlook for a specific field. But, when we graduate, we find that the chosen career track has turned around and is either (1) over saturated; or (2) demands some additional knowledge in technology. This change could have taken as little as two to four years to happen.
If we manage to get ourselves in the right career as soon as we finish college, we get on the fast track of climbing the corporate ladder, and find ourselves at the top of our field early into our 30’s. We’ve reached our peak; now, where to go from here.
There is also the unpredictable circumstances that come up---like, the recent economical down surge. What happens when you find yourself at the top of your game, doing everything right, and learn you are unemployed?
Each of these three situations are “stuck points”. Stuck points are usually connected with some kind of a loss: job, youth, time, money are all examples of loss. Sometimes these loss’ aren’t even noticed until we are forced to come to a life-stop. Once at this life-stop, everything seems to come to a standstill; moving forward feels so overwhelming that we seize to function at our full potential.
Sometimes, no matter how someone appears, people land on a life-stop and freeze: they become paralyzed with moving on with life. Physical and emotional problems could easily arise if the person does nothing while at a life-stop. Life can go from manageable to the pits faster then anyone can predict.
Enter a LIFE COACH!! Life coaches are trained to help people identify their stuck point, then help them to make a plan to move on, and then to hold them accountable to follow the plan. Everyone needs a little nudge now and then. The life coach not only nudges, but holds their client accountable for following the plan to move on with their life.
The difference between a life coach and a counselor is that a life coach deals with the immediate problem—getting the person through the life-stop and back on to the next part of their journey. Life coaches do not necessarily deal with core issues; they would most likely refer their client to a qualified counselor.
A good life coach will be up on what career track may offer more opportunities; or, offer direction for financial solvency; or, even help with making decision about starting a family. A good life coach is encouraging, supportive, AND, objective.
Mom, understand that when she was a little girl you were there to guide her. You guided her through her teens and into young adulthood where she was able to confidently embrace her total independence. You are not now obsolete. You now have a different role in her life: loving, encouraging and supporting on a different level.
Your daughter is intelligent enough to have known when to put her ego aside and to ask for help. You did a really good job, Mom, keeping the communication open between the two of you because she felt comfortable sharing what was happening to her and what her plan was to change. She still returns to the one person she knows she can get TLC and unconditional love from—her mom.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
My daughter is 37 years old. She has always been independent and successful. She always seemed to know what she wanted and went after it. On a recent visit she mentioned to me that she has a life coach. Why would someone like her need someone to tell her how to live her life? After all, she seems to have a done fine job on her own up to now?
Confused Mom
Dear Confused Mom,
Based on what you said about her independence and success so far, you must have been a good guide for her while she was growing up. You taught her well. I can see how it would confuse you that, all of a sudden, your daughter needs someone other then you to guide her through this part of your life.
We live in a fast paced unpredictable society. There is always change going on in business, technology, health—just about every aspect of our lives. It is virtually impossible to keep up with everything that is evolving.
For instance, fresh out of high school we get involved in getting a college education in a major that will be sure to give us a successful career based on the employment outlook for a specific field. But, when we graduate, we find that the chosen career track has turned around and is either (1) over saturated; or (2) demands some additional knowledge in technology. This change could have taken as little as two to four years to happen.
If we manage to get ourselves in the right career as soon as we finish college, we get on the fast track of climbing the corporate ladder, and find ourselves at the top of our field early into our 30’s. We’ve reached our peak; now, where to go from here.
There is also the unpredictable circumstances that come up---like, the recent economical down surge. What happens when you find yourself at the top of your game, doing everything right, and learn you are unemployed?
Each of these three situations are “stuck points”. Stuck points are usually connected with some kind of a loss: job, youth, time, money are all examples of loss. Sometimes these loss’ aren’t even noticed until we are forced to come to a life-stop. Once at this life-stop, everything seems to come to a standstill; moving forward feels so overwhelming that we seize to function at our full potential.
Sometimes, no matter how someone appears, people land on a life-stop and freeze: they become paralyzed with moving on with life. Physical and emotional problems could easily arise if the person does nothing while at a life-stop. Life can go from manageable to the pits faster then anyone can predict.
Enter a LIFE COACH!! Life coaches are trained to help people identify their stuck point, then help them to make a plan to move on, and then to hold them accountable to follow the plan. Everyone needs a little nudge now and then. The life coach not only nudges, but holds their client accountable for following the plan to move on with their life.
The difference between a life coach and a counselor is that a life coach deals with the immediate problem—getting the person through the life-stop and back on to the next part of their journey. Life coaches do not necessarily deal with core issues; they would most likely refer their client to a qualified counselor.
A good life coach will be up on what career track may offer more opportunities; or, offer direction for financial solvency; or, even help with making decision about starting a family. A good life coach is encouraging, supportive, AND, objective.
Mom, understand that when she was a little girl you were there to guide her. You guided her through her teens and into young adulthood where she was able to confidently embrace her total independence. You are not now obsolete. You now have a different role in her life: loving, encouraging and supporting on a different level.
Your daughter is intelligent enough to have known when to put her ego aside and to ask for help. You did a really good job, Mom, keeping the communication open between the two of you because she felt comfortable sharing what was happening to her and what her plan was to change. She still returns to the one person she knows she can get TLC and unconditional love from—her mom.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
04/17/10
ADDICTION: RETURNING VETERANS PROJECT
I want everyone to know about the RETURNING VETERANS PROJECT which provides free counseling and other health services—including substance abuse treatment--. for returning veterans and their families. Their mission statement: Returning Veterans Project is a non-profit organization comprised of politically unaffiliated independent health care practitioners who offer free and confidential services to veterans and their families of past and current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns. We believe it is our collective responsibility to offer support and healing for the short and long-term repercussions of war zone service on veterans and their families.” There is absolutely no paperwork involved and no strings attached. This is FREE mental health counseling, acupuncture, chiropractic and naturopathic are, and more.
Many if the returning personnel with face long term substance abuse/addiction problems. I want to urge all addiction professionals to take the training offered by the RETURNING VETERANS PROJECT, so our community will be there to help.
For more information go to returningveterans.org. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
To learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and her private practice, go to
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
I am a proud member of Online Wellness Association
I want everyone to know about the RETURNING VETERANS PROJECT which provides free counseling and other health services—including substance abuse treatment--. for returning veterans and their families. Their mission statement: Returning Veterans Project is a non-profit organization comprised of politically unaffiliated independent health care practitioners who offer free and confidential services to veterans and their families of past and current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns. We believe it is our collective responsibility to offer support and healing for the short and long-term repercussions of war zone service on veterans and their families.” There is absolutely no paperwork involved and no strings attached. This is FREE mental health counseling, acupuncture, chiropractic and naturopathic are, and more.
Many if the returning personnel with face long term substance abuse/addiction problems. I want to urge all addiction professionals to take the training offered by the RETURNING VETERANS PROJECT, so our community will be there to help.
For more information go to returningveterans.org. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
To learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and her private practice, go to
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
I am a proud member of Online Wellness Association
04/14/10
SEXUAL ABUSE PREDATORS: McNeil Island
Do you know what or where McNeil Island is? McNeil Island is located in the Puget Sound off Seattle, Washington. McNeil Island is the “home” of the worst sexual predators in the US. Hundreds of men, and one woman, who have already completed their incarcerations “voluntarily” live here because they are “unsafe” to live in society. This rare access was presented during an Oprah Winfrey three part series on “Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors”. Even as a counselor it was difficult to watch and really listen, but, I wanted to be sure that everyone has the opportunity to access this series. The link to listen to interviews and view videos is:
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Survivors-Come-Forward/3
Any resources, like this, that we can share with each other is very valuable to help our clients heal.
Thank you, Oprah Winfrey, for the courage to put this on the aire!
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
I am a proud community member of ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION: contributing to keeping our internet SAFE from predators.
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com
http://www.onlinewellnessvideo.com
Do you know what or where McNeil Island is? McNeil Island is located in the Puget Sound off Seattle, Washington. McNeil Island is the “home” of the worst sexual predators in the US. Hundreds of men, and one woman, who have already completed their incarcerations “voluntarily” live here because they are “unsafe” to live in society. This rare access was presented during an Oprah Winfrey three part series on “Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors”. Even as a counselor it was difficult to watch and really listen, but, I wanted to be sure that everyone has the opportunity to access this series. The link to listen to interviews and view videos is:
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Survivors-Come-Forward/3
Any resources, like this, that we can share with each other is very valuable to help our clients heal.
Thank you, Oprah Winfrey, for the courage to put this on the aire!
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
I am a proud community member of ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION: contributing to keeping our internet SAFE from predators.
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com
http://www.onlinewellnessvideo.com
04/13/10
ADDICTION: COMPASSION
I was recently talking with a colleague, also a recovering person, about “compassion” as one of the side effects of addiction. Since it is already clear that “self centeredness” is a characteristic of addicts, it would seem that lack of compassion would also be a characteristic. The Web dictionary says that compassion is “a deep awareness of and sympathy for another’s suffering…and wanting to do something about it...a precursor of caring.” I think we both agreed “compassion” is a necessary required characteristic of a good addiction counselor. Addiction counselor compassion would be someone that has the ability to step totally outside of them “self” and into the other person to become the strength and light that person needs at their weakest time.
If you are an addiction counselor, I would be interested in your thoughts on “compassion”.
Be well on your journey.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounselor.com
I am a proud member of ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com
I was recently talking with a colleague, also a recovering person, about “compassion” as one of the side effects of addiction. Since it is already clear that “self centeredness” is a characteristic of addicts, it would seem that lack of compassion would also be a characteristic. The Web dictionary says that compassion is “a deep awareness of and sympathy for another’s suffering…and wanting to do something about it...a precursor of caring.” I think we both agreed “compassion” is a necessary required characteristic of a good addiction counselor. Addiction counselor compassion would be someone that has the ability to step totally outside of them “self” and into the other person to become the strength and light that person needs at their weakest time.
If you are an addiction counselor, I would be interested in your thoughts on “compassion”.
Be well on your journey.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounselor.com
I am a proud member of ONLINE WELLNESS ASSOCIATION
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com
04/09/10
ADDICTION:TEN RULES FOR LOVING AN ADDICT
I had the opportunity to write a blog in 2008 “Ten Rules For Loving An Addict” which was very well received. Recently, I had another chance to repurpose the blog to answer a letter sent in by a reader. Below is that column.
_______________________________________________________
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I have been married for ten years to a man that keeps going in and out of recovery for alcohol. I keep hope that he will eventually become the healthy responsible husband and father I know he can be. We have gone to couples counseling, he has attended AA, I have gone to Alanon, what more can we do? I just don’t think he is every going to change.
Robin
Dear Robin,
Please trust that this is a topic I am personally, as well as professionally, familiar. Loving, intelligent, people, like you and I, can easily get caught up in our own righteous egos to create an illusion of life that other people need to accept.
My illusion was that “I” was the person to make my new husband--an active heron addict all his teen and adult life—into the man I knew he could be: a three-piece suit executive. There was no disputing with me that “I” was the one that was going to fix him; make him a better person.
WHAT AN ILLUSION!! This idea was more of a DILLUSION!
A couple years ago I published an article that titled “Ten Rules for Loving An Addict”. This article summarizes almost thirteen years of my life focused on making HIM a better person. The problem, of course, is that “when you point your finger at someone, you have four pointing back at you.” The first time I heard this I went into shock, stayed there sulking and processing that comment, then, finally, came out of my years of denial, and became very angry with myself. Yes, myself.
Think about it, Robin, we, me then, you now, think that we have some kind of a right to create someone else’s life for them! And, yet, in reality, we aren’t doing a great job with creating our own reality. But, instead of dealing with our own stuff, we continue to focus on the addict because, after all, THEY are the one with the problem.
If we create our illusion for someone else, we loose our ability to ever be able to measure any change that person might achieve. We can’t see the change because it doesn’t fit into what we visualize. It is hard to live up to other people’s expectations.
In my article I share ten lessons that I learned having been married to my addict. Here is a synopsis of those lessons:
(1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Own your own behavior and stay in the “now”. Remember the airline oxygen rule: when there is an emergency, and the oxygen line comes down, you put the oxygen on YOU first.
(2) LEARN ABOUT ADDICTION AND RECOVERY: Knowledge is power.
(3) STAY OUT OF YOUR EGO: The big “I” is about you—not him or anyone else.
(4) ADDICTION AFFECTS THE ENTIRE FAMILY: If you are focusing own your addict, you are defocusing from the bigger picture of your life.
(5) SEEK HELP FOR YOURSELF: Addiction counselors also work with individual family members; you need to focus on healing yourself first.
(6) KIND HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY: “Kind honesty” is coming out of your own denial and starting taking loving action vs continuing to point your finger at someone else.
(7) BOUNDARIES: Your healing begins when you finally gain self-respect for lovingly standing your ground by setting healthy boundaries that you will maintain.
(8) RELAPSE HAPPENS, TALK ABOUT IT: Consult lesson #6 for addressing relapse. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, nor does it help with the recovery process.
(9) PATIENCE IS A VIRTURE: Addiction is about behaviors, broken spirits, and lost years; healing takes work, commitment, and patience. Know your limits (boundaries) and be patient with yourself.
(10)HEALING BEGINS WITH YOU: When one person in the family becomes strong enough to heal, the entire family eventually heals. Start the healing beginning with lesson #1 “take care of yourself”.
Robin, it may be hard to hear that the problem isn’t all about him. Learning to own your own stuff, is important in any relationship. Will your marriage continue if you get healthy and he doesn’t heal? Maybe, maybe not; statistics say it won’t. But, I have had clients that defied the statistics and are still happily and respectfully married.
By the way, no, he and I aren’t still married; but, he is now healthy by his standards, I by mine, and we remain the best of friends.
If you are interested in reading my article send me a request to the e-mail listed below.
Be well on your recovery journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
I had the opportunity to write a blog in 2008 “Ten Rules For Loving An Addict” which was very well received. Recently, I had another chance to repurpose the blog to answer a letter sent in by a reader. Below is that column.
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MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
I have been married for ten years to a man that keeps going in and out of recovery for alcohol. I keep hope that he will eventually become the healthy responsible husband and father I know he can be. We have gone to couples counseling, he has attended AA, I have gone to Alanon, what more can we do? I just don’t think he is every going to change.
Robin
Dear Robin,
Please trust that this is a topic I am personally, as well as professionally, familiar. Loving, intelligent, people, like you and I, can easily get caught up in our own righteous egos to create an illusion of life that other people need to accept.
My illusion was that “I” was the person to make my new husband--an active heron addict all his teen and adult life—into the man I knew he could be: a three-piece suit executive. There was no disputing with me that “I” was the one that was going to fix him; make him a better person.
WHAT AN ILLUSION!! This idea was more of a DILLUSION!
A couple years ago I published an article that titled “Ten Rules for Loving An Addict”. This article summarizes almost thirteen years of my life focused on making HIM a better person. The problem, of course, is that “when you point your finger at someone, you have four pointing back at you.” The first time I heard this I went into shock, stayed there sulking and processing that comment, then, finally, came out of my years of denial, and became very angry with myself. Yes, myself.
Think about it, Robin, we, me then, you now, think that we have some kind of a right to create someone else’s life for them! And, yet, in reality, we aren’t doing a great job with creating our own reality. But, instead of dealing with our own stuff, we continue to focus on the addict because, after all, THEY are the one with the problem.
If we create our illusion for someone else, we loose our ability to ever be able to measure any change that person might achieve. We can’t see the change because it doesn’t fit into what we visualize. It is hard to live up to other people’s expectations.
In my article I share ten lessons that I learned having been married to my addict. Here is a synopsis of those lessons:
(1) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Own your own behavior and stay in the “now”. Remember the airline oxygen rule: when there is an emergency, and the oxygen line comes down, you put the oxygen on YOU first.
(2) LEARN ABOUT ADDICTION AND RECOVERY: Knowledge is power.
(3) STAY OUT OF YOUR EGO: The big “I” is about you—not him or anyone else.
(4) ADDICTION AFFECTS THE ENTIRE FAMILY: If you are focusing own your addict, you are defocusing from the bigger picture of your life.
(5) SEEK HELP FOR YOURSELF: Addiction counselors also work with individual family members; you need to focus on healing yourself first.
(6) KIND HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY: “Kind honesty” is coming out of your own denial and starting taking loving action vs continuing to point your finger at someone else.
(7) BOUNDARIES: Your healing begins when you finally gain self-respect for lovingly standing your ground by setting healthy boundaries that you will maintain.
(8) RELAPSE HAPPENS, TALK ABOUT IT: Consult lesson #6 for addressing relapse. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, nor does it help with the recovery process.
(9) PATIENCE IS A VIRTURE: Addiction is about behaviors, broken spirits, and lost years; healing takes work, commitment, and patience. Know your limits (boundaries) and be patient with yourself.
(10)HEALING BEGINS WITH YOU: When one person in the family becomes strong enough to heal, the entire family eventually heals. Start the healing beginning with lesson #1 “take care of yourself”.
Robin, it may be hard to hear that the problem isn’t all about him. Learning to own your own stuff, is important in any relationship. Will your marriage continue if you get healthy and he doesn’t heal? Maybe, maybe not; statistics say it won’t. But, I have had clients that defied the statistics and are still happily and respectfully married.
By the way, no, he and I aren’t still married; but, he is now healthy by his standards, I by mine, and we remain the best of friends.
If you are interested in reading my article send me a request to the e-mail listed below.
Be well on your recovery journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
04/07/10
ADDICTION BEHAVIOR
Loved ones of addicts in recovery often get frustrated and confused once their loved one has “completed treatment”. By “completed treatment” they usually mean that the person attended a 28 day residential treatment program. Loved ones are usually of the belief that after the 28 day program they (the loved one) is “going to be fixed.” WRONG!! They may be sober upon discharge. They may even be through the detox process (depending on type of use and length of use). But, once the residential program is over, the work is just beginning. RECOVERY is about changing behaviors and changing lifestyles. Addiction has a whole culture of its own: rituals, language, rules. “Behaviors” are learned to fit into this culture for easy access to their drug of choice—even if it is alcohol. Again, depending on how long the addict has been involved in this culture, the behaviors become innate. Another words, they aren’t even aware they are continuing the behaviors. Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation are all examples of addict behaviors. Belonging to a 12-Step program will be useful to reinforce sobriety. Working on identifying and changing behaviors is better served by one to one counseling with someone that is certified in addiction/substance abuse counseling. “Change” takes time. It probably took the loved one more then 28 days to entrench themselves in the addiction culture; it could take a minimum of 28 months to deprogram them. Loved ones need to change their frustrated and confused behavior to patience and awareness.
If you have questions about your loved one’s behavior, or other questions about addiction, e-mail me at maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
Loved ones of addicts in recovery often get frustrated and confused once their loved one has “completed treatment”. By “completed treatment” they usually mean that the person attended a 28 day residential treatment program. Loved ones are usually of the belief that after the 28 day program they (the loved one) is “going to be fixed.” WRONG!! They may be sober upon discharge. They may even be through the detox process (depending on type of use and length of use). But, once the residential program is over, the work is just beginning. RECOVERY is about changing behaviors and changing lifestyles. Addiction has a whole culture of its own: rituals, language, rules. “Behaviors” are learned to fit into this culture for easy access to their drug of choice—even if it is alcohol. Again, depending on how long the addict has been involved in this culture, the behaviors become innate. Another words, they aren’t even aware they are continuing the behaviors. Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation are all examples of addict behaviors. Belonging to a 12-Step program will be useful to reinforce sobriety. Working on identifying and changing behaviors is better served by one to one counseling with someone that is certified in addiction/substance abuse counseling. “Change” takes time. It probably took the loved one more then 28 days to entrench themselves in the addiction culture; it could take a minimum of 28 months to deprogram them. Loved ones need to change their frustrated and confused behavior to patience and awareness.
If you have questions about your loved one’s behavior, or other questions about addiction, e-mail me at maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
04/06/10
ADDICTION: FINDING FRIENDS
“Finding Friends” seems to be a prevalent malady experienced by both non-addict people, and addicts in early recovery. I am pleased to share this column with your and look forward to feedback from you.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
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Dear MAx,
I am a 47 year old professional woman. I have been totally focused on my education, then my career. I traveled a lot with my job, so I haven’t really had time to establish myself in my community, or make a lot of local friends. Recently my company downsized and I was put on temporary leave. I find I spend a lot of time in front of my computer looking at other employment options, e-mailing people I have met through my job, and, now, getting involved in a LOT of social networking—even playing a few virtual games. MAx, I need human interaction! Where and how do I find it now that I don’t have my workmates to play with?
Sara
Dear Sara,
As a Transition Coach, I get many clients, both male and female, coming through my office with the sole purpose of “finding friends”. So, please know that you are not alone in this pursuit.
When I was a child I grew up in a close-knit neighborhood with lots of other baby-boomer children. I was blessed with many friends, both boys and girls. One day, in my pre-teens, I showed up at our neighbor’s house where I always went for comfort. They were older folks and very wise. On this particular day I was upset because one of my friends said she didn’t want to be my friend any more. I was devastated! Mr. Frankenfield, a tall elderly man with white hair, soft voice, and authoritarian manner gave me advice that I carry with me today. He said, “In your life you will meet many people, some you will call friend. But, if you make just ONE” he held up his long index finger to make the point, “just one true friend in your lifetime that will be there for you no matter what. ONE that will always accept you for who you are, good or bad, right or wrong. Then YOU” the finger pointed toward me “you will be a very wealthy person. Because that person has seen your soul and knows who you really are.”
Today, as I am sharing this with you, I can say that I am the Bill Gates of friends.
Back then, it was easy to nurture friendships. Today, we are more nomadic. Like you, Sara, many people travel with their jobs, or move out of their neighborhoods to find jobs. The advent of a massive highway system, plane fares that allowed “working folk” to travel, and, now, multi media that entices people to experience life “on the other side of the hill”, people are not as “rooted” as they once were.
With the unemployment rate at extraordinary numbers, it has stopped people in their tracks to evaluate where they are in their lives: Missed years of loved ones living in the same house; the realization that they don’t know who lives on either side of them; lack of intimate friends to discuss the stressors they are experiencing. Our society has become strangers to each other.
On the optimistic side, this could be a good thing. This stopping point is allowing people to take an inventory of what is really important to them. And, like you, Sara, they are realizing having friends might be one of those more important needs in life.
Suggestions for WHERE to find friends:
-GET OUT OF THE HOUSE: Turn the computer off! Join a gym, take a class, volunteer, become part of a networking group; go where you will find people that already share your interests.
-INITIATE GET-TOGETHERS: Organize a block party, neighborhood garage sale, open-house day. Host an event at your home so people can share who you are.
-INVEST IN YOUR COMMUNITY: Become part of a service board, local improvement committee, or action committee. Put the skills and knowledge to work that are presently latent due to unemployment.
To NURTURE your new friends. Dale Carnegie, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Attributes of a good friend:
1.BE RELIABLE, honest, and trustworthy,
2.BE A GOOD LISTENER, ask questions, learn more about what is important to others.
3.BE THERE, even if “there” is half way around the world, technology allows communication anywhere.
Sara, from my own experience and wisdom: YOU get to choose who you want to spend your most important commodity, time, on: choose your friends wisely. True friendship is about quality not quantity. Remember: “just one true friend makes you a wealthy person.”
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
“Finding Friends” seems to be a prevalent malady experienced by both non-addict people, and addicts in early recovery. I am pleased to share this column with your and look forward to feedback from you.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I am a 47 year old professional woman. I have been totally focused on my education, then my career. I traveled a lot with my job, so I haven’t really had time to establish myself in my community, or make a lot of local friends. Recently my company downsized and I was put on temporary leave. I find I spend a lot of time in front of my computer looking at other employment options, e-mailing people I have met through my job, and, now, getting involved in a LOT of social networking—even playing a few virtual games. MAx, I need human interaction! Where and how do I find it now that I don’t have my workmates to play with?
Sara
Dear Sara,
As a Transition Coach, I get many clients, both male and female, coming through my office with the sole purpose of “finding friends”. So, please know that you are not alone in this pursuit.
When I was a child I grew up in a close-knit neighborhood with lots of other baby-boomer children. I was blessed with many friends, both boys and girls. One day, in my pre-teens, I showed up at our neighbor’s house where I always went for comfort. They were older folks and very wise. On this particular day I was upset because one of my friends said she didn’t want to be my friend any more. I was devastated! Mr. Frankenfield, a tall elderly man with white hair, soft voice, and authoritarian manner gave me advice that I carry with me today. He said, “In your life you will meet many people, some you will call friend. But, if you make just ONE” he held up his long index finger to make the point, “just one true friend in your lifetime that will be there for you no matter what. ONE that will always accept you for who you are, good or bad, right or wrong. Then YOU” the finger pointed toward me “you will be a very wealthy person. Because that person has seen your soul and knows who you really are.”
Today, as I am sharing this with you, I can say that I am the Bill Gates of friends.
Back then, it was easy to nurture friendships. Today, we are more nomadic. Like you, Sara, many people travel with their jobs, or move out of their neighborhoods to find jobs. The advent of a massive highway system, plane fares that allowed “working folk” to travel, and, now, multi media that entices people to experience life “on the other side of the hill”, people are not as “rooted” as they once were.
With the unemployment rate at extraordinary numbers, it has stopped people in their tracks to evaluate where they are in their lives: Missed years of loved ones living in the same house; the realization that they don’t know who lives on either side of them; lack of intimate friends to discuss the stressors they are experiencing. Our society has become strangers to each other.
On the optimistic side, this could be a good thing. This stopping point is allowing people to take an inventory of what is really important to them. And, like you, Sara, they are realizing having friends might be one of those more important needs in life.
Suggestions for WHERE to find friends:
-GET OUT OF THE HOUSE: Turn the computer off! Join a gym, take a class, volunteer, become part of a networking group; go where you will find people that already share your interests.
-INITIATE GET-TOGETHERS: Organize a block party, neighborhood garage sale, open-house day. Host an event at your home so people can share who you are.
-INVEST IN YOUR COMMUNITY: Become part of a service board, local improvement committee, or action committee. Put the skills and knowledge to work that are presently latent due to unemployment.
To NURTURE your new friends. Dale Carnegie, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Attributes of a good friend:
1.BE RELIABLE, honest, and trustworthy,
2.BE A GOOD LISTENER, ask questions, learn more about what is important to others.
3.BE THERE, even if “there” is half way around the world, technology allows communication anywhere.
Sara, from my own experience and wisdom: YOU get to choose who you want to spend your most important commodity, time, on: choose your friends wisely. True friendship is about quality not quantity. Remember: “just one true friend makes you a wealthy person.”
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
04/02/10
ADDICTION: PATIENCE
"PATIENCE" is said to be a virtue. If you love someone that has just committed themselves to be healthy, PATIENCE is a word you need to tattoo on your hand. Just remind yourself how long it took your loved one to become a full blown addict. Then practice PATIENCE as they begin to take baby steps through the process of recovery.All those behaviors-- lying, stealing, cheating, anger, manipulation, living with chaos and drama--ALL these behaviors have probably become innate. Gently, not accusingly, pointing those behaviors out can help in the recovery process. For instance, "I feel like you are manipulating. I need you to look at that." The STOP. Eventually, remember "baby steps", they will get it.
PATIENTLY be well on your journey.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
"PATIENCE" is said to be a virtue. If you love someone that has just committed themselves to be healthy, PATIENCE is a word you need to tattoo on your hand. Just remind yourself how long it took your loved one to become a full blown addict. Then practice PATIENCE as they begin to take baby steps through the process of recovery.All those behaviors-- lying, stealing, cheating, anger, manipulation, living with chaos and drama--ALL these behaviors have probably become innate. Gently, not accusingly, pointing those behaviors out can help in the recovery process. For instance, "I feel like you are manipulating. I need you to look at that." The STOP. Eventually, remember "baby steps", they will get it.
PATIENTLY be well on your journey.
Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com