While On Life's Journey.....

When I was regularly facilitating recovery groups the question I knew I would be asked sooner or later is: “Ok, MAx, I am clean and sober, now what? Where do I meet people? How do I have fun?” Recovery takes a lot of work. Recovery is like rediscovering who the real ‘you’ is. Initially, recovery requires changing your thinking of how you interact with people, places, and things. In order to be successful in recovery, you have to give up a lot of the people you may have hung out with (dealers, bartenders, others that used with you and reinforced that behavior), the places you went to meet new people (bars, back alleys, flop houses, anywhere you could score drugs and/or alcohol), and things you did for enjoyment (drink alcohol, smoke a joint, shoot up, all the activities involved with maintaining your addiction). Recovery means changing your thinking about your ‘self’, who you want to spend your TR (time-remaining) with, and what you could do every day to make yourself proud to be healthy. Working on these changes is important to your recovery because you, as a recovering person, cannot afford to experience ‘boredom’. Boredom can become a great reason to return to using. “Now what?” Here are some suggestions for structuring a strategy to address your leisure activities:

1.Become aware of the most difficult times for you: day of the week, time during the day, seasons, holidays and other celebrations;
2.Make a list of all healthy activities you use to enjoy before your addiction took over, and the date of the last time you fully participated in that activity;
3.From this list, circle all the activities you stopped doing because of your addiction;
4.Make another list of healthy activities you now want to participate in that you haven’t because you were unavailable due to addiction;
5.Add the circled items to the second list;
6.Now write down the reasons you know that doing these activities are important;
7.Also, write down five big obstacles you can identify that will prevent you for pursuing these healthy activities.
8. Finally, share this information with five people that will hold you accountable for following through: your list of healthy activities, the reasons to pursue these activities, and the obstacles you may create that will prevent developing a structure to follow through on activities.

Developing a strategy for addressing leisure activities in recovery will not only support a clean and sober healthy lifestyle, but, you will have learned the answer to the question “Now what?”

MAx Fabry: Learn more about me and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

I am also founder and proud member of Online Wellness Association
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com

This entry in my series on high risk behaviors that are indicators of probable relapse looks at the biggest thinking errors. Being able to identify what the high risk thinking and behavior indicators are can help establish strategies in a recovery plan that can address relapse BEFORE it happens. Some of the biggest lies that run through the mind are:

1.Having alcohol/drugs in the home and being comfortable with others in the home using;
2.Going to parties, bars, and other places “everyone else is using”;
3.Having a few drinks to prove control;
4.Visiting places that set the environment for use;
5.Being unaware of sight, smells, sounds, that trigger and urge and/or craving.

Addiction is sneaky: addiction helps you establish confidence in your recovery, then ZAP!!, it slaps you backward. You can fight back by learning more about what may trigger you and take you off your path of recovery. Live in your awareness of the high risk behaviors that subtly and slowly become your guide to relapse.

Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

I am also a proud member and founder of Online Wellness Association
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com

This intention of this relapse blog series is to alert people in recovery, their family, and their friends to high risk behaviors and thinking errors that may be sign of possible relapse. Remember, as discussed in a previous blog, relapse doesn’t just happen; there are behaviors and thinking errors that lead up to a relapse.

One of the high risk areas deals with relationships. Sexual problems are one of those behaviors that manifests in early recovery. Fear of sober sex, impotence, lack of control over sexual feelings resulting in inappropriate behavior. Often, people that have entered a residential treatment program become involved in a treatment romance. A possible explanation for this is that a person in treatment is just learning to feel again, but, the feelings are new and they may not have the skills to correctly interpret those feelings. Since characteristics of addiction include self centeredness and impulsive behavior, the treatment environment sets the stage for this type of romance. Residential counselors and staff are trained in identifying this behavior and step in to educate their clients. Some other areas related to relationships with other people include:

1.Problems getting along, or reconnecting, with the closest people in their life;
2.Being argumentative;
3.Trying to live with a significant other that also has an alcohol/drug problem;
4.Feeling like an outsider with their drinking/drug buddies;
5.Unable to make healthier friends to develop new relationships;
6.Difficulty trusting others.

If not identified early, the behaviors described above can eventually lead to withdrawing, isolating, and, eventually, relapse. If you, or your recovering loved one, is experiencing any of these behaviors be sure to discuss them and build strategies into your recovery plan to address participating in healthier relationships.

Feedback, questions, and other input is welcomed. E-mail to
maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

Learn more about me, MAx Fabry, and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

Relapse doesn’t just happen: relapse is a process. Part of understanding recovery is being aware of the high risk behaviors that are part of the relapse process. It is important to be able to identify these high risk factors in order to make a relapse prevention plan that includes strategies to address these signs as they come up. Many relapse traps are found in social situations where the pressure to use can seem to be overwhelming.

Unfortunately, most gatherings, celebrations, and holidays are built around drinking and/or drugs. Once in the situation it is easy to have relapse thoughts of “Well, everyone else is using!”, or “One won’t hurt.” Since you may not have come up with a strategy to refuse when offered this could be a relapse trap. You need a plan.

Walking into situations where others are intoxicated and/or high is another trap you will need a strategy to protect your recovery efforts. Going into a bar or club may be asking to spring the trap. Visiting homes where others are known to use may be walking into your relapse. You need a plan.

Continuing to hang with the same social group may soon find you as a participating one of “them” again. People that are using don’t have other people’s well being in mind, only their own. Self centeredness is one of the big characteristics of addiction. Besides, who wants someone around that isn’t participating in the ‘fun’? A negative thinking error that drives addicts to continue using is being accepted by their group; this old thinking quickly returns when the using environment is duplicated. You need a plan.

Committing to a clean and sober healthier lifestyle does not mean that you stop living. It does not mean that you no longer have fun. Living clean and sober means that you become aware of people, places, and things that could jeopardize your intention of creating a healthier lifestyle. You need to learn to think ahead, you need a plan.

MAx Fabry, BA, CADCII, Lifestyle Changes
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

Since publishing my blogs on ‘relapse’ I have been getting a lot of e-mails with relapse questions. In the next few blogs I will discuss some of the some of the high risk situations that need to be identified in order to plan relapse prevention strategies. The first high risk factor is about negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. How many of the following factors are you identifying with your own behavior, or the behavior of your loved one that is in recovery:

BEHAVIORS:
1. Lack of constructive leisure activities
2. Excessive/impulsive behaviors (ie: gambling, sex, overeating)
3. Spending too much money
4. Overworking
5. Isolating
6. Socializing in bars or with others using alcohol/drugs
7. Playing out victim role

THOUGHTS:
1. Denial (“I don’t really have an addiction problem)
2. Impatience with recovery process (“This is taking too long/too much work”)
3. Lack of purpose of life (Nothing seems important)
4. Preoccupation with their addiction
5. Resentment toward others
6. Self-pity
7. Thinking alcohol/drugs are need to have “fun”
8. Unusual/disturbing thoughts, dreams, nightmares

FEELINGS:
1. Inappropriate expressions of anger
2. Anxiety/nervousness
3. Depression
4. Exhaustion/fatigue
5. Unreasonable fears
6. Helpless/hopeless
7. Guilt
8. Painful memories
9. Shame

These factors have been identified by researchers, professionals in the field of addiction, and people that have actually experienced the journey to recovery. Do you have anything to add to this list? Send your input and feedback to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

MAx Fabry: Learn more about me and my private practice at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

I am also founder and proud member of Online Wellness Association
http://www.onlinewellnessassociation.com

Yesterday this blog detailed eleven phases of relapse to support the argument that relapse happens “all of a sudden”. Relapse is a process. Recovery is an ongoing process requiring the insight to accept that relapse is always a possibility. The biggest part of this ongoing process is a full out commitment to not use any mind altering substance and being patient through the time the process takes. Once this commitment is made, the hard work begins. By “hard”, I mean the work to build a new foundation for a healthier lifestyle. The areas of focus include becoming aware and changing thinking, behaviors, attitudes, and feelings. Successful recovery journeys are not walked alone. It is important to be held accountable for the changes, preferably with an “outside” person: a sponsor, counselor, mentor, clergy. Being aware of the phases, and being willing to talk openly and honestly about, particularly, the first phase—no matter how small the behavior—is important. Be aware that in recovery “feeling” becomes familiar; this includes negative and positive feelings, which can be uncomfortable. Early recovery is not easy; getting up and facing the world every morning without any kind of mind altering mask can be difficult to face. Recovery takes courage and hard work. To move from one stage of recovery to the next involves a commitment to build a strong foundation made up of a strong commitment to abstinence of mind altering substances, a plan to redefine the way life is lived, support for accountability, and courage to journey into the unknown of a healthy lifestyle. Where is your commitment today?

MAx Fabry: Learn more about me and my private practice at
www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

I am also founder and proud member of Online Wellness Association
www.onlinewellnessassociation.com

One of my “long-term” clients recently rang me; he had relapsed over the holidays. He reviewed the events leading up to his decision to use, he described the “week from hell” that he experienced as a result of his “poor choice”, and he cried as to “why” he keeps “doing this”. He talked about how his “heart is hurting” from the pain he has caused for the people that love and support him; for the pain he has, once again, caused himself. He, his family, his significant other, and his friends are all “very disappointed” and wonder “Is he back at it again?” The interesting piece of information here is that he didn’t really relapse over the holiday—he used over the holiday—the relapse, however, started months ago. Seldom does a recovering person get up in the morning and think, “Today I will relapse.” Reality is they work up to the relapse, and, if they, or you, know what to look for--well, maybe... In various hand-outs given in treatment programs, it is suggested that there are approximately eleven phases leading to relapse:
(1) Internal Warning Signs: difficulty thinking clearly, managing feelings and emotions, managing stress, sleeping restfully;
(2) Return of Denial: feeling uneasy, afraid, anxious, but denying these feelings;
(3) Avoidance and Defensive Behavior: worrying about others more than self, defensiveness, compulsive/impulsive behaviors, feelings of loneliness;
(4) Building Crises: tunnel vision, minor depression, loss of constructive realistic planning;
(5) Immobilization: daydreaming/wishful thinking, sense of failure, immature wish to be happy;
(6) Confusion and Overreaction: irritation with friends, easily angered, periods of confusion;
(7) Depression: poor eating and sleeping habits, lack of motivation, loss of daily structure, periods of deep depression;
(8) Behavioral Loss of Control: “I don’t care” attitude, rejects help, not satisfied with life, feelings of powerlessness and helplessness;
(9) Recognition of Loss of Control: self-pity, thoughts of social drinking, complete loss of self-confidence;
(10) Option Reduction: thoughts of insanity, suicide, addictive use, unreasonable resentment, total disconnect from any treatment, overwhelming loneliness, frustration, anger, tension;
(11) Return to Addictive Use: return to “controlled” addictive use, shame, guild, loss of control, life and health problems.
Please be warned: knowing this information doesn’t necessary STOP the relapse. The addict must have a genuine commitment to living a clean, sober, healthier lifestyle. AND, relapse may happen as part of the recovery process. Knowing, and, using this information may assist in short circuiting the relapse process. Now that you have the information, how will you use it?

MAx Fabry: Learn more about me and my private practice at
www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

I am also founder and proud member of Online Wellness Association
www.onlinewellnessassociation.com

This is my weekly column published in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR, January 2, 2009:

Dear MAx,
I have a friend that is more like my sister. We met in our early twenties. I remember the day that we met, she was high on pot and invited me to Happy Hour where I immediately learned that she had a great capacity for tequila. But, we were in our twenties, and partying was the ‘thing’ to do. We have remained very close over the decades raising our children as extended family, and loving each other unconditionally. Unfortunately, she has never stopped partying! She continues to smoke pot daily, and thinks closing business deals of booze is still acceptable. The problem is that now that both of our kids are teenagers, we seemed to have run into opposing value systems: she allows her teens to openly smoke pot, I don’t think it is appropriate for my kids to smoke pot, or drink alcohol. We are both in our early 50s, how can I get my friend to grow up?!

Lisa

Dear Lisa,
Recently I wrote on my blog about the growing issue of addiction among aging boomers. I got several responses back expressing their surprise about learning that there is an issue in this age group. For any of you that were part of the 60s/70s peak Boomer era, you may remember the one of mottos for that time “Living Well Through Better Chemistry” as participants of the LSD age “turned on, tuned in, dropped out”. Ahh, those were the days. Or were they? A study conducted between 2003 and 2005 by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) indicated that illicit drug use by people in their 50s increased by more than 60%. Interestingly, this well educated, often professional, demographic lives a dichotomy lifestyle: on one hand being health nuts while on the other being poly-med users while in pursuit of health, youth, and happiness.

Smoking pot is controversial on several levels. I have lived in communities that seem to have a consensus that adults smoking pot is acceptable even though it is illegal (without a “medical card”). The problem with this consensus of thought is that kids don’t get the ‘adults’ part of the behavior. Then, the adults begin to complain about the kids smoking pot, the high rate of high school dropouts, and the non-motivation to move ahead in life.

The thing about partying in the twenties is that, as Americans, it is ‘what we’re suppose to be doing’. The problem is when it is time to stop, some people can stop with no problem, but there are the ‘others’ that can’t stop at any cost. This defines people that are addicts, and people that are not.

It must be very difficult for you to continue to witness your lifelong friend’s addiction, and to watch her pass this behavior on to the next generation. The most important thing to remember is that we don’t have the ability to change other people. We can try to influence them into a healthier lifestyle, but, if they are comfortable where they are at, it would be a waste of time and energy to try to change them. However, we can change how we relate to that person. For instance, educating your own children about the consequences of abusing drugs and alcohol; and, keeping open dialogue with them about their observations and experiences of what is happening outside of your home.

Painful as it may be for you, lovingly distancing yourself from your friend when she is under the influence may help you continue the friendship. Remember that letting go of someone does not mean to stop caring or loving them, it means acknowledging that they are on their own journey, learning their own consequences, and affecting their own destinies. Letting go is accepting what is, taking care of yourself and your family, and being there when the person you love and care about needs support.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

To learn more about the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR, and to order a subscription go to
http://www.springfieldtimes.net