11/24/09
AUNT MARY: LIFE INFLUENCER
As we gather around Thanksgiving tables I would like you to think about that very special person in your life that greatly influenced who you are today; then, please use Thanksgiving to acknowledge this person out loud. Since I won’t be having Thanksgiving dinner with my family, I would like to acknowledge the special person in my life: My Aunt Mary.
My Aunt Mary was a first generation Sicilian-American, born in 1927, the youngest of nine children. She was 19 years old when I was born. She was already married and had a lovely daughter. Her mother and father immigrated to the US from San Stefano, Sicily, at the turn of the century. She raised in a Little Italy located in New Jersey. I have many memories of interactions with Aunt Mary, her little family (which eventually included a son), and the extended family we shared. The memory that I think actually endeared me to her was conversations between her mother, my mother, and one of her sisters about her attending “hair dressers school” but really going to “secretarial school”. Back then there were jobs that were “acceptable” (hair dresser), and “not acceptable” (secretary—there is a Sicilian word my grandfather would say to describe the women that became secretaries, but it wouldn’t be appropriate here). To prove to my grandfather that she was studying the art of doing hair, every September, right before school started, Aunt Mary would give me a perm. Never came out too good. Picture a fuzzy cue-tip. I always tried to act appreciative because I was pleased that I was able to spend time with her, and, most of all, I didn’t want to give the “secret” up that she wasn’t really into hair. As I listened to those conversations between the adult women of the family talking about my Aunt, I became intrigued with this woman that was different from the traditional role my mother and other aunts had taken. And, there seemed to be something exciting about someone that was doing something she wasn’t suppose to be doing. In my memory, Aunt Mary was always the prettiest one of the entire family, her hair always looked perfect, and she was always smartly dressed. As I started to become a young woman, I watched the way she carried herself, and tried to emulate her. I loved her laugh, her drama, her tears, her joy. She did secure a position as an executive secretary and did very well. She was the first of this deeply religious immigrant Sicilian family to divorce as soon as her father was buried. She was the one that cared for her mother as she developed dementia. She was the one that finished raising two wonderfully bright, beautiful and loyal children. She was the one that eventually married the man she really loved. She is the one that, I perceived, defined what she wanted from life, then created it. I watched, observed, this woman through my infancy, childhood, womanhood, and now as she is in the winter of her life and I am in the autumn of me. She continues to model grace even in aging.
While my mother gave me strength to get through my life, my Aunt Mary gave me the spirit and courage to define what I wanted my life to be, then go out and create. At Thanksgiving, and every day of the year, I am thankful that I was born into her family.
Be well on your journey down memory lane.
MAx Fabry, http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
As we gather around Thanksgiving tables I would like you to think about that very special person in your life that greatly influenced who you are today; then, please use Thanksgiving to acknowledge this person out loud. Since I won’t be having Thanksgiving dinner with my family, I would like to acknowledge the special person in my life: My Aunt Mary.
My Aunt Mary was a first generation Sicilian-American, born in 1927, the youngest of nine children. She was 19 years old when I was born. She was already married and had a lovely daughter. Her mother and father immigrated to the US from San Stefano, Sicily, at the turn of the century. She raised in a Little Italy located in New Jersey. I have many memories of interactions with Aunt Mary, her little family (which eventually included a son), and the extended family we shared. The memory that I think actually endeared me to her was conversations between her mother, my mother, and one of her sisters about her attending “hair dressers school” but really going to “secretarial school”. Back then there were jobs that were “acceptable” (hair dresser), and “not acceptable” (secretary—there is a Sicilian word my grandfather would say to describe the women that became secretaries, but it wouldn’t be appropriate here). To prove to my grandfather that she was studying the art of doing hair, every September, right before school started, Aunt Mary would give me a perm. Never came out too good. Picture a fuzzy cue-tip. I always tried to act appreciative because I was pleased that I was able to spend time with her, and, most of all, I didn’t want to give the “secret” up that she wasn’t really into hair. As I listened to those conversations between the adult women of the family talking about my Aunt, I became intrigued with this woman that was different from the traditional role my mother and other aunts had taken. And, there seemed to be something exciting about someone that was doing something she wasn’t suppose to be doing. In my memory, Aunt Mary was always the prettiest one of the entire family, her hair always looked perfect, and she was always smartly dressed. As I started to become a young woman, I watched the way she carried herself, and tried to emulate her. I loved her laugh, her drama, her tears, her joy. She did secure a position as an executive secretary and did very well. She was the first of this deeply religious immigrant Sicilian family to divorce as soon as her father was buried. She was the one that cared for her mother as she developed dementia. She was the one that finished raising two wonderfully bright, beautiful and loyal children. She was the one that eventually married the man she really loved. She is the one that, I perceived, defined what she wanted from life, then created it. I watched, observed, this woman through my infancy, childhood, womanhood, and now as she is in the winter of her life and I am in the autumn of me. She continues to model grace even in aging.
While my mother gave me strength to get through my life, my Aunt Mary gave me the spirit and courage to define what I wanted my life to be, then go out and create. At Thanksgiving, and every day of the year, I am thankful that I was born into her family.
Be well on your journey down memory lane.
MAx Fabry, http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
11/22/09
AA MARRIAGE
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I have been in recovery for ten years. I attend an AA meeting at least five times per week, love working the program, and have formed a tight knit loyal community. Even though my wife participates in Alanon we seem to be growing apart. We have been married fifteen years and have gone through the worse of times and now the best of times. Why would she want to leave now?
Jess
Dear Jess,
Congratulations on your ongoing recovery efforts. As you have learned, living a clean and sober life has many rewards. AND, it also has a downside called “real life”. In real life people experience the good, the bad, the sadness, and the joy, without finding ways to escape what is really going on.
I recently read a touching book called “Life Interrupted: It’s not all about me” by Chris M.Tatevosian. Even though Chris’ life infliction was MS, I could certainly see a lot of my addiction clients in what he was describing as his life experience with a debilitating disease.
Chris’ message was that his marriage fell apart because “my problem was that I acted like my problems (around MS) outweighed the importance of any problem or concern she had……I felt the world owed (me) everything.”
The recovery process is an interesting journey. One of the characteristics of an addictive behavior is self-centeredness. For the addict, the recovery process becomes all about them: need to go to my meeting, need to meet with my sponsor, need to support this event—it becomes all about “the program”.
The “tight knit community” is just that—tight knit. Often times participants of the program form their friendships within the program. Everything becomes the program. Some times this is fear based because participants feel if they don’t have the constant support, or attend meetings regularly, they will relapse. Other times, usually because of long term use starting at an early age, the participant doesn’t have the life skills to extend out of the program community.
With the total focus being recovery—yours and others—the importance of other problems within the family may be overlooked or minimized. I have heard of participants so focused on “the program” that they have skipped an important family event because they had “to attend my home group meeting.”
There are no clear statistics available on how many marriages actually end up in divorce once a spouse achieves a level of recovery. However, talking with other addiction professionals, we agree that the number could be high.
Three plausible reasons we came up with for the divorces are:
-Too much focus on recovery, not enough on rebuilding the marriage
-A realization that the marriage/relationship was built on one person’s need to take care of someone else
-The spouse continues to grow outside of the program
So, Jess, if you are feeling like your marriage is beginning to end, there are things you might be able to do to save it.
First, definitely seek marriage counseling. Both of you need to agree that you want the marriage to work, and that you are both willing to make compromises to make it work. Also, be sure the marriage counselor you choose together also has a certification, or education, in addiction treatment.
Secondly, it is interesting how, when the addict starts to become healthy, the spouse looses interest. This is what the program calls “co-dependency”. Certainly Alanon is a helpful place to understand this emmeshed type of behavior. But, I would say that if your wife has been going for ten years, maybe she might want to consult with an individual counselor—again, someone with addiction treatment credentials.
Finally, if your spouse has been consistent with healthy growth behaviors—job advancements, community involvement, building friendships outside the program--then you might have simply outgrown each other. Seeking marriage counseling may help you understand that you have each just chosen a different path to continue walking. Neither is right or wrong; it just is.
Life is about balance. Life is about growing. Growing together, but never overshadowing the other. Is your recovery overshadowing your relationship? Are you making new friends, experiencing new things, expanding your world outside of “the program”? Be sure your life is in balance.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I have been in recovery for ten years. I attend an AA meeting at least five times per week, love working the program, and have formed a tight knit loyal community. Even though my wife participates in Alanon we seem to be growing apart. We have been married fifteen years and have gone through the worse of times and now the best of times. Why would she want to leave now?
Jess
Dear Jess,
Congratulations on your ongoing recovery efforts. As you have learned, living a clean and sober life has many rewards. AND, it also has a downside called “real life”. In real life people experience the good, the bad, the sadness, and the joy, without finding ways to escape what is really going on.
I recently read a touching book called “Life Interrupted: It’s not all about me” by Chris M.Tatevosian. Even though Chris’ life infliction was MS, I could certainly see a lot of my addiction clients in what he was describing as his life experience with a debilitating disease.
Chris’ message was that his marriage fell apart because “my problem was that I acted like my problems (around MS) outweighed the importance of any problem or concern she had……I felt the world owed (me) everything.”
The recovery process is an interesting journey. One of the characteristics of an addictive behavior is self-centeredness. For the addict, the recovery process becomes all about them: need to go to my meeting, need to meet with my sponsor, need to support this event—it becomes all about “the program”.
The “tight knit community” is just that—tight knit. Often times participants of the program form their friendships within the program. Everything becomes the program. Some times this is fear based because participants feel if they don’t have the constant support, or attend meetings regularly, they will relapse. Other times, usually because of long term use starting at an early age, the participant doesn’t have the life skills to extend out of the program community.
With the total focus being recovery—yours and others—the importance of other problems within the family may be overlooked or minimized. I have heard of participants so focused on “the program” that they have skipped an important family event because they had “to attend my home group meeting.”
There are no clear statistics available on how many marriages actually end up in divorce once a spouse achieves a level of recovery. However, talking with other addiction professionals, we agree that the number could be high.
Three plausible reasons we came up with for the divorces are:
-Too much focus on recovery, not enough on rebuilding the marriage
-A realization that the marriage/relationship was built on one person’s need to take care of someone else
-The spouse continues to grow outside of the program
So, Jess, if you are feeling like your marriage is beginning to end, there are things you might be able to do to save it.
First, definitely seek marriage counseling. Both of you need to agree that you want the marriage to work, and that you are both willing to make compromises to make it work. Also, be sure the marriage counselor you choose together also has a certification, or education, in addiction treatment.
Secondly, it is interesting how, when the addict starts to become healthy, the spouse looses interest. This is what the program calls “co-dependency”. Certainly Alanon is a helpful place to understand this emmeshed type of behavior. But, I would say that if your wife has been going for ten years, maybe she might want to consult with an individual counselor—again, someone with addiction treatment credentials.
Finally, if your spouse has been consistent with healthy growth behaviors—job advancements, community involvement, building friendships outside the program--then you might have simply outgrown each other. Seeking marriage counseling may help you understand that you have each just chosen a different path to continue walking. Neither is right or wrong; it just is.
Life is about balance. Life is about growing. Growing together, but never overshadowing the other. Is your recovery overshadowing your relationship? Are you making new friends, experiencing new things, expanding your world outside of “the program”? Be sure your life is in balance.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
11/21/09
HOLIDAYS FOR RECOVERY
Holidays are difficult for people in recovery. We live in a society that includes intoxicants in all its celebrations. The early stage of recovery is difficult because of the detox process happening in the body. Throw in the holiday season with learned behaviors of celebration and, there you are, Sam, a ‘squirrelly’ partner. Let me share this bit of information offered by Sue Hosington, Director of Mental Health of the Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota:
RECOVERING PEOPLE NEED TO MANAGE HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS
The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us. It is so easy to get caught up in the spirit of the season, while feeling let down by unmet expectations. The holidays can be especially challenging for individuals recovering from chemical dependency. Maintaining sobriety can be difficult when memories, increased family contacts, and the emotional highs and lows of the season present us with unexpected issues.
Recovering people frequently have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, which simply adds to the stress of the time. Another source of potential relapse stems from feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression. Worry is a common expression of anxiety, and loneliness is a common expression of depression. These two emotions are especially heightened during the holidays.
It’s good to develop a holiday plan, one that will help confront memories, which threaten the quality of your holiday experience. Your plan will benefit from improved self-care, enhanced support from others, and healthy ways to celebrate. Some suggestions follow:
GOOD SELF-CARE is vital. Remember to slow down. Take some quiet time each day to reflect on an attitude of gratitude. Plan relaxation and meditation into your day, even for a few minutes, no matter how you are. Relax your standards, reduce overwhelming demands, and delegate responsibilities. And remember to laugh during your day.
EAT, HYDRATE, EXERCISE and REST. Go easy on the holiday sweets and follow a balanced diet. Monitor your intake of caffeine, nicotine, and sugar. Exercise regularly to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don’t try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor that can make us more vulnerable to relapse. Try and maintain some kind of schedule. Plan ahead—don’t wait until the last minute to purchase gifts or prepare to entertain.
ENHANCE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. Our culture presents the holidays as a time of joy, but this is not always so. Holidays can trigger many painful memories. They are a good time to reach out more frequently to your counselor, sponsor, and Twelve-Step group. Spend time with recovering people and activities. Let other help you realize your personal limits. Learn to say “no” in a way that is comfortable for you.
FIND NEW WAYS TO CELEBRATE. Create some new symbols and rituals that will help redefine a joyful and rewarding holiday season. You might host your own holiday gathering for special recovering friends and/or attend celebrations of your Alcohol Anonymous group to celebrate and not with people who are substance users. Don’t expose yourself to unnecessary temptations, such as gatherings where alcohol is the center of entertainment. If there are people who have a negative influence on you, make a choice to not be with them—or to limit time spent with them.
I hope that this information is useful for you for all people experiencing recovery in their life.
I write a weekly column for the Springfield Times, Springfield, Or, called “Ask MAx”, If you have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions via snail mail to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com . Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Holidays are difficult for people in recovery. We live in a society that includes intoxicants in all its celebrations. The early stage of recovery is difficult because of the detox process happening in the body. Throw in the holiday season with learned behaviors of celebration and, there you are, Sam, a ‘squirrelly’ partner. Let me share this bit of information offered by Sue Hosington, Director of Mental Health of the Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota:
RECOVERING PEOPLE NEED TO MANAGE HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS
The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us. It is so easy to get caught up in the spirit of the season, while feeling let down by unmet expectations. The holidays can be especially challenging for individuals recovering from chemical dependency. Maintaining sobriety can be difficult when memories, increased family contacts, and the emotional highs and lows of the season present us with unexpected issues.
Recovering people frequently have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, which simply adds to the stress of the time. Another source of potential relapse stems from feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression. Worry is a common expression of anxiety, and loneliness is a common expression of depression. These two emotions are especially heightened during the holidays.
It’s good to develop a holiday plan, one that will help confront memories, which threaten the quality of your holiday experience. Your plan will benefit from improved self-care, enhanced support from others, and healthy ways to celebrate. Some suggestions follow:
GOOD SELF-CARE is vital. Remember to slow down. Take some quiet time each day to reflect on an attitude of gratitude. Plan relaxation and meditation into your day, even for a few minutes, no matter how you are. Relax your standards, reduce overwhelming demands, and delegate responsibilities. And remember to laugh during your day.
EAT, HYDRATE, EXERCISE and REST. Go easy on the holiday sweets and follow a balanced diet. Monitor your intake of caffeine, nicotine, and sugar. Exercise regularly to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don’t try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor that can make us more vulnerable to relapse. Try and maintain some kind of schedule. Plan ahead—don’t wait until the last minute to purchase gifts or prepare to entertain.
ENHANCE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. Our culture presents the holidays as a time of joy, but this is not always so. Holidays can trigger many painful memories. They are a good time to reach out more frequently to your counselor, sponsor, and Twelve-Step group. Spend time with recovering people and activities. Let other help you realize your personal limits. Learn to say “no” in a way that is comfortable for you.
FIND NEW WAYS TO CELEBRATE. Create some new symbols and rituals that will help redefine a joyful and rewarding holiday season. You might host your own holiday gathering for special recovering friends and/or attend celebrations of your Alcohol Anonymous group to celebrate and not with people who are substance users. Don’t expose yourself to unnecessary temptations, such as gatherings where alcohol is the center of entertainment. If there are people who have a negative influence on you, make a choice to not be with them—or to limit time spent with them.
I hope that this information is useful for you for all people experiencing recovery in their life.
I write a weekly column for the Springfield Times, Springfield, Or, called “Ask MAx”, If you have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions via snail mail to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com . Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
11/18/09
THINKING ABOUT RELAPSING? THERE IS AN APP FOR THAT!!
This is an article from linkedin.com, November 12, 2009, submitted by Alexander Kintis, CEO of Kinal Corp |Current Project: Beating Addiction (www.BeatingAddiction.com). My colleagues hadn’t heard of this, so I thought it worth passing on to the recovery community.
____________________________________________________________________
ann-e: anonymous network
“ann-e: anonymous network: The ann-e iPhone app is a networking application for 12 Step program members.
With it, you can reach out for support, or offer help, to other members of 12 Step programs in your community and all over the world.
Ann-e, a new app for the iPhone, is a program which, as an alternative to relapsing, allows individuals to connect with each other. Conceptually, it is slightly similar to BeatingAddiction.com in that it gives access to a network of people for help with an addiction however BeatingAddiction.com is a web-based program while Ann-e is an application that installs on the iPhone. So now you may ask yourself, what do those do during their defining moment if they are without an iPhone?
Technical features include:
- users are allowed to exchange contact information
- users are allowed to move chats/texts to a live voice call
- users can use their GPS to determine where a supporter is
- password-protected program access
- peferences of known and in-person support groups and information
- and more
The 12-step programs currently available are: Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al-Anon, Alateen, Alcoholics Anonymous, Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Compulsive Eaters Anonymous CEA-HOW, Chemically Dependent Anonymous, Clutterers Anonymous, Co-Anon Family Groups, Cocaine Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous, Deaf and Hard of Hearing Anonymous, Debt-Anon Family Groups, Debtors Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous, Dual Recovery Anonymous, Eating Disorders Anonymous, Emotions Anonymous, Families Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous, Gam-Anon, Gamblers Anonymous, HCV Anonymous, HIV-AIDS Anonymous, International Doctors in Alcoholics Anonymous, Love Addicts Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, On-Line Gamers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Parents Anonymous, Phobics Anonymous, Pills Anonymous, Recovering Couples Anonymous, Recovering Food Addicts, Self Mutilators Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Recovery Anonymous, Social Phobics Anonymous, Spenders Anonymous, Survivors of Incest Anonymous, and Workaholics Anonymous.
Learn more about the ann-e app at:
http://www.ann-e.com/about.html
_____________________________________________________________
Also, be sure to visit Alexander’s addiction resource site at http://www.beatingaddiction.com
_______________________________________________________________
12 Step not for you? Check out a new alternative approach to healing addiction at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
This is an article from linkedin.com, November 12, 2009, submitted by Alexander Kintis, CEO of Kinal Corp |Current Project: Beating Addiction (www.BeatingAddiction.com). My colleagues hadn’t heard of this, so I thought it worth passing on to the recovery community.
____________________________________________________________________
ann-e: anonymous network
“ann-e: anonymous network: The ann-e iPhone app is a networking application for 12 Step program members.
With it, you can reach out for support, or offer help, to other members of 12 Step programs in your community and all over the world.
Ann-e, a new app for the iPhone, is a program which, as an alternative to relapsing, allows individuals to connect with each other. Conceptually, it is slightly similar to BeatingAddiction.com in that it gives access to a network of people for help with an addiction however BeatingAddiction.com is a web-based program while Ann-e is an application that installs on the iPhone. So now you may ask yourself, what do those do during their defining moment if they are without an iPhone?
Technical features include:
- users are allowed to exchange contact information
- users are allowed to move chats/texts to a live voice call
- users can use their GPS to determine where a supporter is
- password-protected program access
- peferences of known and in-person support groups and information
- and more
The 12-step programs currently available are: Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al-Anon, Alateen, Alcoholics Anonymous, Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Compulsive Eaters Anonymous CEA-HOW, Chemically Dependent Anonymous, Clutterers Anonymous, Co-Anon Family Groups, Cocaine Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous, Deaf and Hard of Hearing Anonymous, Debt-Anon Family Groups, Debtors Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous, Dual Recovery Anonymous, Eating Disorders Anonymous, Emotions Anonymous, Families Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous, Gam-Anon, Gamblers Anonymous, HCV Anonymous, HIV-AIDS Anonymous, International Doctors in Alcoholics Anonymous, Love Addicts Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, On-Line Gamers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Parents Anonymous, Phobics Anonymous, Pills Anonymous, Recovering Couples Anonymous, Recovering Food Addicts, Self Mutilators Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Recovery Anonymous, Social Phobics Anonymous, Spenders Anonymous, Survivors of Incest Anonymous, and Workaholics Anonymous.
Learn more about the ann-e app at:
http://www.ann-e.com/about.html
_____________________________________________________________
Also, be sure to visit Alexander’s addiction resource site at http://www.beatingaddiction.com
_______________________________________________________________
12 Step not for you? Check out a new alternative approach to healing addiction at
http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com
11/17/09
DEATH OF A FRIEND
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I have recently lost two dear friends. One was killed in a car accident on the East Coast; the other had a heart attack and died—he only lived six blocks from me. I was not directly notified about either of these deaths. I found out about them through the grapevine. I am questioning what kind of a friend I am that I didn’t even know they passed until weeks after it happened.
Louie
Dear Louie,
Whether we were sitting next them when they pass, or we hear about their transition well after the event, experiencing the loss of a loved one is always difficult. I suspect you may not understand the process of grieving.
As a volunteer with the Red Cross during 9-11, I realized that we are a nation that doesn’t know how to grieve. Shortly after returning from my assignment, I started having workshops to provide people the tools they need to understand this very personal human journey.
Up until the middle of the 20th century, immigrants to the US brought with them their traditions and rituals of grieving the loss of loved ones. Each culture brought with them a rich heritage that included grieving.
As a first generation American, my mother passed on the rituals of her Sicilian family. These “rules of grieving” were based on old world traditions dating back centuries. For instance, children under a certain age were not allowed to participate in the formal grieving—the viewing, the church service, and the burial—but were part of the meals and stories.
Somehow, in our evolution as a society, old world traditions and rituals are replaced with modern ideas. In these “modern times” we are a nomadic society barely held to our roots by technology. The phone system and many ways of computer communication, seems to have replaced that face-to-face renewal of family and friendship interactions.
Back in the 1950’s, Elisabeth Kublar-Ross provided Americans with a process for grieving. She presented five stages of grief that people experience: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Sadness, and Acceptance. There is no time limit for going through the process, and you can go back and forth in how you experience each stage.
“Guilt” feelings are part of the grief and loss process and usually appear in all stages of the grief and loss process. I use to think that guilt was inherited through just my Sicilian culture. But, I now know that, in general, we are all born with the “guilt gene”.
Guilt is that part of our human conscience that sets a standard for our reality and reminds us when we are coming up short. The “standard” is our definition of what is right or wrong, good or evil. Guilt convicts us for being less then.
Guilt is positive in that it becomes the safety valve for our human condition. Guilt forces us to stop, think, and re-evaluate that standard we set for ourselves. It is probably a good idea to examine resetting our standards through each stage of life.
Louie, it sounds like you are in a stage of life where you are re-examining your standards. Guilt of loosing two friends and learning about their passing long after the event, has, maybe, forced you to examine your life, where you are now, what is important to you, and what you would want to change. This is the positive aspect of “guilt”.
This is all part of the grief and loss process. What I have learned from my clients and from participants in my workshops, is each time someone reaches the acceptance stage, they assess where they are in their life, and discover that they are better, wiser, and stronger people for allowing themselves to experience the process.
To understand more about the process of grief and loss, I still highly recommend Elisabeth Kublar-Ross’ book “On Death and Dying”. If you contact me at the information provided below, I would be honored to send you a visual of the cycle.
Remember, Louie, you are a spiritual being having a human experience. Experiencing grief is as important as experiencing joy. As with every other feeling, embrace the feeling of guilt, and listen for what it is telling you about your standards. In the end, you will be a better person for the experience.
I am sorry for your loses. I hope this insight will help you to be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
MAx Fabry is a regular contributor to a weekly column "ASK MAx" published in the SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Springfield, Oregon. The SPRINGFIELD TIMES is published weekly on Friday by S.J. Olson Publishing, Inc. This column is published on this blog by permission of the SPRINGFIELD TIMES. Visit their website at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.
_____________________________________________
Dear MAx,
I have recently lost two dear friends. One was killed in a car accident on the East Coast; the other had a heart attack and died—he only lived six blocks from me. I was not directly notified about either of these deaths. I found out about them through the grapevine. I am questioning what kind of a friend I am that I didn’t even know they passed until weeks after it happened.
Louie
Dear Louie,
Whether we were sitting next them when they pass, or we hear about their transition well after the event, experiencing the loss of a loved one is always difficult. I suspect you may not understand the process of grieving.
As a volunteer with the Red Cross during 9-11, I realized that we are a nation that doesn’t know how to grieve. Shortly after returning from my assignment, I started having workshops to provide people the tools they need to understand this very personal human journey.
Up until the middle of the 20th century, immigrants to the US brought with them their traditions and rituals of grieving the loss of loved ones. Each culture brought with them a rich heritage that included grieving.
As a first generation American, my mother passed on the rituals of her Sicilian family. These “rules of grieving” were based on old world traditions dating back centuries. For instance, children under a certain age were not allowed to participate in the formal grieving—the viewing, the church service, and the burial—but were part of the meals and stories.
Somehow, in our evolution as a society, old world traditions and rituals are replaced with modern ideas. In these “modern times” we are a nomadic society barely held to our roots by technology. The phone system and many ways of computer communication, seems to have replaced that face-to-face renewal of family and friendship interactions.
Back in the 1950’s, Elisabeth Kublar-Ross provided Americans with a process for grieving. She presented five stages of grief that people experience: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Sadness, and Acceptance. There is no time limit for going through the process, and you can go back and forth in how you experience each stage.
“Guilt” feelings are part of the grief and loss process and usually appear in all stages of the grief and loss process. I use to think that guilt was inherited through just my Sicilian culture. But, I now know that, in general, we are all born with the “guilt gene”.
Guilt is that part of our human conscience that sets a standard for our reality and reminds us when we are coming up short. The “standard” is our definition of what is right or wrong, good or evil. Guilt convicts us for being less then.
Guilt is positive in that it becomes the safety valve for our human condition. Guilt forces us to stop, think, and re-evaluate that standard we set for ourselves. It is probably a good idea to examine resetting our standards through each stage of life.
Louie, it sounds like you are in a stage of life where you are re-examining your standards. Guilt of loosing two friends and learning about their passing long after the event, has, maybe, forced you to examine your life, where you are now, what is important to you, and what you would want to change. This is the positive aspect of “guilt”.
This is all part of the grief and loss process. What I have learned from my clients and from participants in my workshops, is each time someone reaches the acceptance stage, they assess where they are in their life, and discover that they are better, wiser, and stronger people for allowing themselves to experience the process.
To understand more about the process of grief and loss, I still highly recommend Elisabeth Kublar-Ross’ book “On Death and Dying”. If you contact me at the information provided below, I would be honored to send you a visual of the cycle.
Remember, Louie, you are a spiritual being having a human experience. Experiencing grief is as important as experiencing joy. As with every other feeling, embrace the feeling of guilt, and listen for what it is telling you about your standards. In the end, you will be a better person for the experience.
I am sorry for your loses. I hope this insight will help you to be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
:: Next Page >>